Which Diet is Best for You?

Posted on February 7, 2014



Moderation, a diet consisting of eating whatever one wants but in reasonable portions, is considered stupid and BORING. It assumes that we would actually agree to eat a large piece of salmon and a small piece of chocolate, or a large portion of vegetables and only a bite or two of chili cheese nachos with guacamole and extra sour cream. The American public has not only soundly rejected this diet, but the governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, is now in favor of a bill to allow citizens to not only be allowed to carry their handguns in bars, but to use their weapons to soundly beat anyone seen eating a balanced diet in a South Carolina restaurant.

This leave us in a quandary, even greater than that posed by having to choose between pepperoni or Italian sausage on our deep dish pizzas. Namely, what kind diet do we follow, when we are not otherwise occupied on Facebook or playing Words With Friends? The following are some popular diets that Americans follow:

The Halloween Candy Diet: While most Americans would be hard-pressed to assert that a diet of Halloween candy would put one on the fast track to optimal health, the truth is that many Americans are on this diet for at least part of the year. Aside from the plethora of choices rolled out on supermarket shelves in anticipation of the holiday, the candy itself is usually touted as “fun size” or “mini size.” These images are far more appealing than “jumbo size,” or even “gastric bypass size.” They allow us to consume vast quantities of sugar and chocolate in teeny tiny bite-size portions.

Many Americans have discovered the Paleo Diet, named after Bud Paleo, a prehistoric entrepreneur who started a chain of fast food mammoth burger restaurants back when all food was not only pure, but a lot of it could run really fast and then kill you. The Paleo Diet includes grass-produced meats, fish and seafood, fruits and veggies, eggs, nuts and seeds, and healthy oils.  None of these items will run fast and then kill you, especially the nuts and seeds.

Another popular diet that doesn’t force anyone to be moderate is the gluten free diet. Most Americans have now found themselves to be glutenintolerant, even though they have no knowledge of what gluten is, other than a vague belief that it has something to do with glue. For this reason, following a gluten diet consists not of avoiding certain foods, but instead, of simply buying anything that shouts “GLUTEN FREE!” Because of this, manufacturers of clothing and hair products now carry gluten-free labels.

The governor of South Carolina, has been quoted as saying, “South Carolina has a long, proud history of intolerance. We are excited at the prospect of adding Glucose, whatever the hell that is, to the list of things we are intolerant of.”

Other Americans have been following the Subway Diet (the popular sandwich chain, not the underground rail system) , inspired by an ordinary man named Jared Fogle, who lost a huge amount of weight by only eating Subway sandwiches. Subway devotees have just now been shocked lately to learn that Subway, which touts their fresh-baked bread, uses azodicarbonamide in their bread, a chemical also used in yoga mats. Jared, himself, has not been available for comment, as he is currently being studied by scientists to determine the reason he is now glowing in the dark.

The Kosher Diet isn’t followed by anyone who wants to lose weight or avoid carbs, fat, gluten or peanuts. It does, however, discriminate against pork products and against mixing dairy and meat together. To make up for this, it encourages diners to eat until they develop serious gastric distress, for fear of insulting the person who prepared the food.

Other diets are either low carb (another substance that no one actually understands but simply buys products that say “LOW CARB”) or low fat or fat-free or sugar-free or peanut/soy/dairy/additive/conflict diamond free. They all have their merits, when combined with obscene amounts of exercise.

In sum, we don’t care which diet you follow, as long as you are careful when travelling through the state of South Carolina to not reveal that you know where Life in the Boomer Lane lives.

Posted in: food, humor, satire