Moderation, a diet consisting of eating whatever one wants but in reasonable portions, is considered stupid and BORING. It assumes that we would actually agree to eat a large piece of salmon and a small piece of chocolate, or a large portion of vegetables and only a bite or two of chili cheese nachos with guacamole and extra sour cream. The American public has not only soundly rejected this diet, but the governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, is now in favor of a bill to allow citizens to not only be allowed to carry their handguns in bars, but to use their weapons to soundly beat anyone seen eating a balanced diet in a South Carolina restaurant.
This leave us in a quandary, even greater than that posed by having to choose between pepperoni or Italian sausage on our deep dish pizzas. Namely, what kind diet do we follow, when we are not otherwise occupied on Facebook or playing Words With Friends? The following are some popular diets that Americans follow:
The Halloween Candy Diet: While most Americans would be hard-pressed to assert that a diet of Halloween candy would put one on the fast track to optimal health, the truth is that many Americans are on this diet for at least part of the year. Aside from the plethora of choices rolled out on supermarket shelves in anticipation of the holiday, the candy itself is usually touted as “fun size” or “mini size.” These images are far more appealing than “jumbo size,” or even “gastric bypass size.” They allow us to consume vast quantities of sugar and chocolate in teeny tiny bite-size portions.
Many Americans have discovered the Paleo Diet, named after Bud Paleo, a prehistoric entrepreneur who started a chain of fast food mammoth burger restaurants back when all food was not only pure, but a lot of it could run really fast and then kill you. The Paleo Diet includes grass-produced meats, fish and seafood, fruits and veggies, eggs, nuts and seeds, and healthy oils. None of these items will run fast and then kill you, especially the nuts and seeds.
Another popular diet that doesn’t force anyone to be moderate is the gluten free diet. Most Americans have now found themselves to be glutenintolerant, even though they have no knowledge of what gluten is, other than a vague belief that it has something to do with glue. For this reason, following a gluten diet consists not of avoiding certain foods, but instead, of simply buying anything that shouts “GLUTEN FREE!” Because of this, manufacturers of clothing and hair products now carry gluten-free labels.
The governor of South Carolina, has been quoted as saying, “South Carolina has a long, proud history of intolerance. We are excited at the prospect of adding Glucose, whatever the hell that is, to the list of things we are intolerant of.”
Other Americans have been following the Subway Diet (the popular sandwich chain, not the underground rail system) , inspired by an ordinary man named Jared Fogle, who lost a huge amount of weight by only eating Subway sandwiches. Subway devotees have just now been shocked lately to learn that Subway, which touts their fresh-baked bread, uses azodicarbonamide in their bread, a chemical also used in yoga mats. Jared, himself, has not been available for comment, as he is currently being studied by scientists to determine the reason he is now glowing in the dark.
The Kosher Diet isn’t followed by anyone who wants to lose weight or avoid carbs, fat, gluten or peanuts. It does, however, discriminate against pork products and against mixing dairy and meat together. To make up for this, it encourages diners to eat until they develop serious gastric distress, for fear of insulting the person who prepared the food.
Other diets are either low carb (another substance that no one actually understands but simply buys products that say “LOW CARB”) or low fat or fat-free or sugar-free or peanut/soy/dairy/additive/conflict diamond free. They all have their merits, when combined with obscene amounts of exercise.
In sum, we don’t care which diet you follow, as long as you are careful when travelling through the state of South Carolina to not reveal that you know where Life in the Boomer Lane lives.
Chicken
February 7, 2014
I’ve been on that Halloween diet once a year since….will, when wasn’t I on that Halloween diet once a year? I don’t remember. Is Glucose diet the same as Gluten Free diet? Because, yeah, I tried that. Crikey, that’s a mean one, that is.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 8, 2014
Whoops, I just corrected that. I should have written “gluten.” Teaches me not to write these blogs late at night while also working on my epic novel based on snacks of the Roman Empire.
lindasblogs
February 8, 2014
Ha, I thought it was intentional!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
I love when people think I’m more clever than I actually am.
Jill Foer Hirsch
February 8, 2014
Love these ideas! I’ve come up with a few as well. I think my M&M diet would dovetail nicely with your Halloween Candy Diet.
http://universalmusings.com/?p=102
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
Funny! We could also include the Airport Diet (is anything healthy sold in airports?) and the Costco Food Samples Diet.
A Simple Village Undertaker
February 8, 2014
As one of those gun toting South Carolinians, (transplanted from NJ 18 years ago) I will point out that good guys with guns are way better than bad guys with guns. The statistics don’t lie…the states with the strictist gun laws have the highest violent crime rates and vice versa. Since we don’t believe in diets here in the Palmetto State, we need guns because we are too heavy to run away from trouble and hoodlums….and please stop picking on our Governor because she is pretty and thin.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
In the interest if love and harmony, LBL will choose to bypass most of this comment and simply say that introducing guns into an environment where alcohol is served brings up mental images of the wild west. If popcorn elicits a homicidal response, she quakes at what alcohol will do.
A Simple Village Undertaker
February 9, 2014
Namaste…. The law also fobids you from consuming alcohol…and if you get caught, you will go to jail for two years….not maybe. Just because a establishment serves alcohol, does not mean everyone that comes there, drinks. (like when I go to pick up a pizza at my favorite Italian place…they serve wine). The law is intended to allow permit holders to carry into restauarants and other such establishments. There are evil people in the world and unfortunately, they do not follow the laws. Most mass shootings take place in gun-free zones like schools, where the shooter/ coward knows there is no one there who can shoot back. The new law will allow the licensed citizens of SC to also protect their family and themselves in places such as walking accross parking lots to restuarants, (see pizza reference above). To the best of my knowledge, since the SC CWP law went into effect in 1996, there has been only one case of a CWP permit holder charged for an unjustified use of force and there is serious concern that those charges were politically motivated and unwarranted. The “wild west” scenerios are taking place in the cities with strict gun laws and the people doing the shooting don’t pay attention to the laws, but the good and honest citizens do. Popcorn may elicit a homcidal response in a sick individual….but so may his wife. I will end with hugs, kisses, love and harmony and just ask that you consider the facts that are not part of the anti-gun agenda…you may be suprised. RJV
Jann @ Austin Details Art + Photo
February 8, 2014
How do you find a South Carolina restaurant that serves a balanced diet? Is there such a thing?
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
I only have experience with Charleston, as my younger son lives there. I can attest that I’ve had some world-class meals there. But I do hear a different story from people who have experience with areas outside the major cities.
Jann @ Austin Details Art + Photo
February 9, 2014
Snide comments aside, I imagine Charleston serves up some fine food. Lucky you can visit there!
Elyse
February 8, 2014
I was highly successful with the “cook like your mother” diet I had to be on last year for health reasons. My mother cooked vegetables into a mash, and nothing was allowed to crunch. There were also a lot of potatoes I lost 15 pounds because the thought of eating was so unappetizing.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
Oh my, you just reminded me of what it was like, growing up Kosher. In addition, because we had so little money, my mom would sprinkle stale bread with water, then pop it into the over to “make it like new.” What it made was hot soggy bread.
Elyse
February 9, 2014
There’s nothing like good old fashioned cooking!
katecrimmins
February 8, 2014
Hilarious! I have some friends who are on the gluten free diet. I asked if they had celiac disease only to find out that they didn’t really know what gluten is but damn! they swear by that diet!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
I’m laughing and crying at the same time.
alanj
February 8, 2014
I absolutely love this modern look at diets. I am laughing too hard and stuffing my face to say how great this article is!
btg5885
February 8, 2014
If you follow Nikki Haley’s logic, being shot is a good diet, as you will definitely lose weight. I just got through reading Hugh Curtler’s post on the latest forays of the NRA. We North Carolinas can take pride that our sagacious General Assembly gave Haley something to follow by allowing concealed guns in bars and on playgrounds. Mixing guns, testosterone and alcohol is truly a brilliant move, as is letting guns on playground as you never know when you may get dissed in a line to go on a slide. Just yesterday, a two year old shot his seventeen month old sister. Sorry for the segue, but Hugh got me on a roll and I could not resist your comment. But, what do I know, I am just a moderate person, eating as well. Good post, BTG
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
Thanks, BTG. I am appalled and horrified and (choose any other word that fits) that this is what we have come to. Soon we’ll all (including children) be toting gun holsters. Florida has shown us that even popcorn throwing is sufficient cause for homicide.
btg5885
February 9, 2014
Thanks LBL. I read some of the responses, one in particular is of interest. One of my favorite statistics is from the Journal of Acute Trauma and Medicine which notes the following: when you look at the top 23 wealthiest countries and add up all the gun deaths over the surveyed period, for every 100 gun deaths, the US has 80 of them. For every 100 children and teen gun deaths, the US has 87 of them. That means the other 22 countries have 13 to our 87. Call me crazy, but as a parent and citizen, I view this as a problem. Gun deaths are due to many factors including: lack of civil discourse, poverty, mental health, drugs, crime and access to guns. By far, the gun deaths in America are not due to mass shootings; they happen everyday due to access to a gun. We need a more reasonable debate over what the data tells us and I find that NRA lobby prevents that from happening due to their desire to perpetuate the sale of guns. At a minimum, the survey data shows Americans want better control via deeper background checks and waiting periods, including Republicans. Sorry for the diatribe.
dorannrule
February 8, 2014
This is hilarious and so are some of the comments! I like the eat-sugar-to-curb-appetite diet best. Must try that. I have been deluded into thinking sugar should be consumed after you eat healthy foods…. will now try it before meals.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
It’s a lot more fun than having a glass of water before meals, AND unlike water, you won’t have to run to pee all the time. You’ll just bloat.
lindalh
February 8, 2014
Oh, thank you so much for making me laugh as I sit here wondering what in heaven’s name I could eat to make me happy. I know food=happy is a bad thing, so reading your blog saved me. The past year we have quit smoking, gone gluten free, then grain free, then sugar free, and now I am in the process of getting dentures so it has to be crunch free as well. Maybe I need the above mentioned cook like my mother diet. Actually cook like her mother because my mother didn’t cook. I don’t think growing older needs to be like this. We are beginning to weigh our options – at what age can we begin to eat what we please and not regret it? Your blog has made me feel much lighter.
nuvofelt
February 8, 2014
Reminds me of the student I had on a course who maintained that she had to have a gluten free diet because she didn’t like celery.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 9, 2014
Perfect.
hostessforhospitality
February 10, 2014
Reblogged this on hostessforhospitality and commented:
Sending this to make sure that I can find it again since I am rather clumsy on this site where I have been looking for interesting things to read.
I can sa on thing for sure on this subject. It is not for nothing that the first syllable in dietician is “die” because following those sadists advice will starve you to death.
Lorna's Voice
February 11, 2014
Love that ad in the beginning–every woman’s dream!!! 🙂