On April 15, 2012, Life in the Boomer Lane posted a piece titled “The Link Between Physical Attractiveness and Relationship Success.” This post, like all of her others, was appreciated by an elite group of people who weren’t otherwise concerned with any number of actual issues we all face that are sucking the life out of us and causing Michele Bachman to reveal her secret wish to put Obama across her knee and spank away.
LBL has noticed since then that the aforementioned post has been permanently listed in her hit parade of posts, beating out such all-time favorites as shaving cats and Foreign Accent Syndrome. She had two choices: Find another topic that would bring readers to a state of permanent nirvana or write more of the same drivel and use the same post title to draw them in. After a lot of deep thought, resulting in a profound awareness that if nobody is paying, it doesn’t much matter anyway, she decided on the latter.
The original post talked about the importance of looks in creating and maintaining a relationship, as well as the effects of aging on relationships. Another approach to the topic was needed. Luckily, some Brits, taking a short break from obsessing on what is about to slide out of Kate’s private parts, have come to the rescue.
Researchers at Stirling, Chester, and Liverpool universities have discovered that the outcome of your relationship is determined by what you look like. People who couple up “on their level” – that is, partners who are similarly attractive – have more relationship success than those who have a significantly more attractive mate. The researchers discovered this by photographing and interviewing 100 heterosexual couples who had either broken up or were still together. The most successful couples resembled one another in that their facial symmetry was similar or that neither was more attractive than the other.
LBL’s own daughter discovered this when, in junior high, she looked at one of her friend’s choice of boyfriends and pronounced that they would probably do well together since they were “both eights.” She then had to explain to a clueless LBL that “people get together with other people who are the same number as them. If not, they might get together but they will break up.” LBL had never considered this before. She always says she wants to be her daughter when she (LBL) grows up.
Now back to the scientists who spent a lot of time and research grant money to discover the same thing. They also pronounced that when the attractiveness in partners was lopsided, relationships weren’t as successful. But this only held true when the woman was significantly more attractive than the man. Conversely, the more attractive male mate had no bearing on the length of the relationship. So, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett were doomed to fail, whereas George Clooney and Mama June might make a go of it.
The question is, why would there be a difference between the sexes? In a conclusion guaranteed to twist the panties off even the most liberal of women, Rob Burriss, one of the researchers, hypothesized that attractive women possessed the confidence to end a bad relationship earlier, rather than let it run its course. Less attractive women “may have to make do with what they have, hence the longer relationships.”
There was no explanation regarding the men, although one could make a case for some men, like politicians, who are too busy with government affairs to notice who they are actually partnered with.
In conclusion, if you are in a long term relationship and you believe your partner looks like road kill, you have apparently forgotten to look in a mirror. If you are in a long-term relationship and your partner looks like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney, let LBL know if you are interested in a threesome. And if you are not currently in a relationship, but would like to choose a partner who would be the same number as you, send a check and LBL will decide what number you are. The larger the check, the higher will be the number.