How to Score A Husband by Valentine’s Day 2014

For those young single women out there who are contemplating celebrating yet another Valentine’s Day changing the kitty litter and searching for ex-boyfriends on Facebook, a new book by Suzanne Venker assures you that you will have a devoted husband at your side by the time the next chocolate-bloated Valentine’s Day rolls around. Venker says all you have to do to find a husband is “just be nice, cook, and have sex!”

Venker’s new book, How to Choose A Husband and Make Peace With Marriage, gives a 12-step guide on how to seek and then hook a man in today’s ‘post-feminist’ culture, which is apparently preparing young women for perpetual singledom.

For those readers who have already dog-eared, highlighted, and leaked on at least 200 pages in their copies of Fifty Shades of Grey as their ultimate rules-of-submission guide, Venker goes even further than ropes and shackles to present the ideal portrait of womanhood. Essentially, she goes all the way back to prehistory.

Men are hunters, and it’s their natural role to go out and bring home the bacon. “It’s why male engineers greatly outnumber female engineers. Females, on the other hand, like to gather and nest—that’s why more women than men like to shop and bake, or stay home with their kids.” Women, apparently, like to gather shoes. “They like to get all dressed up and prance about in their heels. And men love to watch women prance about in their heels. That’s the yin and yang of gender relations.”

Aside from the mental image this gives of women as show horses, you get the general idea. You can throw the women’s movement out the window, along with your resumes and your smart business attire. But keep your stilettos, your push up bras and your crotchless panties. Your job as a woman is to entice, period. Venker’s “celebrity expert,” comedian Steve Harvey, emphasizes how essential it is to satisfy your husband sexually, above all else. “Please—puhleeze—don’t hold out on the cookie,” Harvey pleads. “We don’t care about anything else.”

Venker goes on to blame both mothers and modern society for promoting an independent, can-do attitude in young women, and having those young women believe that sex isn’t the be all and end all of what a man wants in a relationship. Men do want more than sex, according to Venker. They want more sex.

For all you Feminists out there who are reading this and getting your sensible panties in a twist, lighten up. Seriously. When you get right down to it, this equality crap is hard work. You have to learn icky things like science and math (What sadist ever invented those things, anyway?). You have to get a job (Even worse than understanding science and math). And then, when you have the job, you have to worry about equal pay for equal work. Then, when you get a promotion, you have to worry about being in charge of men, which totally goes against god and all things holy. Given all that, sex is so much easier.

There are probably some of you out there who are now shrieking. “My husband likes my vajayjay AND my brain!” Well, let’s try a little experiment, shall we. Just go ahead and ask him outright. Say, “Hey Honey, want me to pop a few homemade goodies into the oven and then pop your manhood into my you-know-what? Or would you rather listen to my theory about the rising price of commodities inflation?”

Uh huh, We thought so.