(The following is this week’s entry in my Friday series, “Old Posts to Dredge out on Slow Weekends Because When I Posted Them Originally People Cared More About the Economy and World Peace Than My Blog.” Although nothing has changed, it’s the start of a slow weekend, blogging-wise).
Thanks to the good folks who spend their time discovering obscure illnesses that nobody should ever know about, I now know I have DEVELOPMENTAL TOPOGRAPHICAL DISORIENTATION or, it’s more roll-off-the-tongue name, TOPOGRAPHAGNOSIA. This dysfunction is manifested by a belief that when one is asleep, crews of people are out in Washington, DC, changing the location of all the traffic circles and the directions and names of most of the streets.
Topographagnosia is a congenital disorder of the hippocampus. The hippocampus is part the brain. It affects memory, organization, and one’s orientation in space. I have had this dysfunction since birth. It’s a miracle I made it down the birth canal. To my knowledge, that was the last time I went in the correct direction to get anywhere.
Most people afflicted don’t concern themselves with their hippocampus anyway, because it’s tough enough to figure out where things are that we can see. We try not to clutter our brains up trying to understand where things are that we can’t see. But, the affliction can severely affect an individual’s daily life. This most often occurs when some unnamed individual, like me for example, is attempting to find the ladies room in a restaurant, and wanders around in circles and invariably either ends up in the kitchen or in a broom closet. In fact, I may have inadvertently run into my hippocampus once, when trying to find the ladies room, but I can’t be sure.
Other enjoyable aspects of this disorder occur on vacations, when that same unnamed individual is totally enjoying the breathtaking scenery, until another unnamed person, usually consisting of a Now Husband, will say something like, “Wow, that is the most phenomenal-looking bird I have ever seen! Can you believe those colors?” or “Wasn’t that amazing how fast those wild horses ran by? I didn’t realize there were any around here!” or “Those mountains look almost like someone dipped their tips in glitter!” And the person afflicted with Topograpagnosia has, instead, been having a swell time simply staring at rocks and trash alongside the road.
DTD also impairs a person’s ability to remember names. I, personally, have tried everything I can think of to remember names. I concentrate really hard. I repeat the person’s name back to them. I ask them to spell their name. I try associating their name with something else. Nothing works, and the association thing is especially worthless. I’ll remember only the mnemonic device and end up calling people things like “Zippy” or “Phlegm.”
Since I’ve already lived with Topographagnosia for quite some time now, and since I know it will never go away, the only thing that’s left is the hope that someday, I will be introduced to someone whose actual name is either Zippy or Phlegm, and then I’ll probably have a pretty good shot at remembering it.
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becomingcliche
February 17, 2012
We will get along fine. My birth certificate actually reads “Zippy Phlegm.” Or maybe that was the report from my first check up…
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
We were destined to meet.
H.E. ELLIS
February 17, 2012
That sounds like what happens in New Hampshire. I call it OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE RE-ORDER, where the same road changes names once it leaves one town and enters another. Southerners beware.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
We have that here with the Beltway and I 95. Once you confuse that, you are on an endless loop. You might as well call your loved ones and tell them you will never see them again.
Lisa Wields Words
February 17, 2012
Boy does that explain a lot about me. I didn’t even make it out of the birth canal in the right direction. 😀
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
It’s all downhill from there.
writingfeemail
February 17, 2012
Names are difficult to recall, especially if we don’t see people very often. High school reunions are the worst! Talk about Zippy Phlegm….
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
This is why I don’t go to gatherings of any kind.
nrhatch
February 17, 2012
Wow! This ties in nicely with my photo post for the week ~ Upside down, you turn me. Inside out and round and round. 😀
It’s a crazy, mixed up, shook up world!
nrhatch
February 17, 2012
Great post, Zippy!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Thanks, Phlegm!
dawnestrehl
February 17, 2012
I cannot remember names either. I’m not kidding. Being southern though, I just call everyone honey or sweetie!
Regards, D
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
There is an agent in my office who calls everyone Girl. Believe me, I’ve wished I could do that. Except with my disorder, I’d then call the guys Girl and that would create another problem.
KLRichardson
February 17, 2012
You must be my “sister from another mister”…I do the same silly things. Or perhaps it just being female, or creative or …human? Although I still have moments when I panic, forgetting the way home from the mall which is literally 6 minutes away from my house. Perhaps it’s early ‘old timers’ disease!
P.S. Renee I am moving my blog. Much as I like WordPress I moved to a site that is easier (for me) making lots of changes.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Where are you going? Did you explain it on your blog? I am so behind in reading now, because my real estate business has been keeping me jumping.
ladywithatruck
February 17, 2012
Finally a name to the affliction that has cost me hours looking for my vehicle, embarrassment and Almost my son. When my son was a baby I forgot where I left him. I thought I’d left him with my mother for the day. I went to pick him up and assumed he was sleeping when I got there and didn’t see him. I poured myself a glass of wine and was relaxing; after about an hour my mom said, “don’t you think you should go get Kris?”.
I said, “isn”t he here?”
She said, “No, you dropped him at Roy and Barb’s this morning”.
I went running over to the neighbour and there in their living room is a room full of dinner guests passing my crying baby from person to person.
Thank God he didn’t inherit the affliction because when he was about 7 I dropped him at the mall for a cub scouts function. I went back out to the parking lot and my van had been stolen! I ran back in and told all the other parents and Kris walked with me outside to wair for the police. We are barely out the door and Kris says, “There’s the van Mom”.
I said, “Where?” And thinking to myself , “how and why did someone move my van?”
Kris walked me to the van and insisted it was right where we parked it. I had just gone out the wrong door at the mall.
I am so glad to know there are others out there who don’t know if they are coming or going,
Thanks for sharing!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
That was a truly amazing story. We’ve reached new heights of disorder when we lose our children. I think you have the same disorder I do. Maybe you keep an eye on that truck.
Mimijk
February 18, 2012
Great post! Sorry about the disorder but as a longtime sufferer, I promise you that you will cintnue to thrive… And drive.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
When I drive, I know one way to get to a place. If you’d put me halfway there, I’d have to start over.
Ara Leigh Studios
February 18, 2012
I’ll meet some one and after being introduced, my brain will insist, “Thomas? He looks more like a David to me.” From then on, I’ll call him David and people will wonder why I can’t remember his name is really Thomas.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Oh no, now I’ll remember this comment and start doing that.
Kathryn McCullough
February 18, 2012
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in long time–love the birth canal line. This explains a lot about what’s wrong with me–and to think I’ve all along refered to it as a directional disorder.
Hugs,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Look it up and weep. The people who have the most extreme versions of this can’t recognize faces, even of family members. I could have used that technique on occasion when my kids were little.
gojulesgo
February 18, 2012
That’s precisely why I’ve decided to live an entirely virtual life. I’m pretty sure I’ll always be able to find my lap top (though should probably consider investing in a regular PC just to be safe) and will only subscribe to bloggers who don’t mind being called by their blog name.
Great post, Boomer.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Thanks, Jules. You bring up a good point. Plus, you can spend your life in your pajamas and never get any speeding tickets.
John
February 18, 2012
And here I thought a Hippo Campus would be something completely different.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Funny boy, John.
twindaddy
February 18, 2012
I must be afflicted with this same condition. I can seldom recall names so I just call everybody Scooter…
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
I have to think of a name for everyone. Asshole hasn’t been working so well for me.
twindaddy
February 19, 2012
Try Scooter. People are so generally caught off-guard that they forget to be offended.
Spectra
February 18, 2012
Thanks for putting a name on the condition. Not that I will remember it. I once got lost in my own apartment. Which was difficult to do, since it was an efficiency unit. At least I’m good at my disease.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 19, 2012
Now that’s funny. I’m thinking you made that up, unless the apt had a closet, and then I can totally understand.
Spectra
February 19, 2012
Well, my hall closet has a trap door to a crawl space, so you can see where the possibilities for getting lost are endless around here.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 19, 2012
OH my, just thinking about that gives me an anxiety attack.
k8edid
February 18, 2012
Ah, the name “problem”…I simply cannot remember names, and lately even faces don’t look too familiar. Living in the south, now, I can get away with Sir, or Ma’am.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 19, 2012
I now call all of my kids Baby. Makes life so much easier.
Ronnie Hammer
February 21, 2012
When we were first married I couldn’t bear to call my in laws mom and dad. So I found the most circuitous way to address them without ever calling them anything.
It works with regular people too.
Ronnie
pegoleg
February 19, 2012
The worst thing to me about my lousy, lousy memory is when I’m talking to someone and somebody else walks up. They’re waiting to be introduced and I got nada. I just say “Oh, you don’t want to know HIM!” and laugh like a twit.
Went to a big party last night and the wine was flowing like a river. I think I got the DTDs this morning – my hand’s shaking like a leaf!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 19, 2012
Sometimes I say, “I’ll let you two introduce yourselves to each other,” and then I walk away. Far away. But I can’t tell you how many times Now Husband and I are out and I run into someone I know and stand there talking to them and then say “This is my husband, Dan” and hope the other person says their name. Of course, it doesn’t work unless I remember Dan’s name.
ladywithatruck
February 19, 2012
Years ago I was with my mother at a function when a woman walked up to us and they got into a lively conversation. My mom said, “Carrie, I’d like you to meet a very good friend of mine.” The woman and I looked at my mom. The woman stuck out her hand and said, “Nice to meet you I’m Mercedes”. Later in the car I asked my mom what the hell was she thinking? She said she as hoping the name would come to her, but all she was getting was BMW, Honda, Chev. I’ve never forgotten the woman’s name but I couldn’t tell you what she looked like.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 19, 2012
PRICELESS.
Main Street Musings Blog
February 20, 2012
There’s always pineapple cake to turn things right side up! 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 20, 2012
Oh my, you could work for Hallmark.
mailboxmemories
February 25, 2012
This disorber MUST BE genetic and you and I have a LOT of relatives out there with the same disorder. I often think that the City, County and State have a night crew that goes out and changes all the roads, signs, etc. When I visit a friend in a hospital I carry along a bag of breadcrumbs to drop so I can find my way back to the parking garage and my car. Unfortunately, those hospitals tend to keep things clean and swept. One night, after my daughter gave birth to my grandson, I could not find my way out of the hospital parking garage!
I really had some stern language to use on myself as I drove around and up and around and down trying to find an EXIT! I had never used such language on myself! Talk about hurt feelings! I was almost in tears before I located the Exit.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 26, 2012
It is, indeed, genetic. My mom had it, although I never realized it. I used to be perplexed that she acted to “ditzy” when trying to find her way around, but she wasn’t a ditzy person. I, personally, have spent a huge chunk of my life trying to find my way out of parking garages. I have also had to get other people to help me find my car in them. Yes, we are in the same category!