More, the magazine for “older” women who are now young enough to be the children of Boomers, gives us a bit of interesting and alarming information that all of us should pay attention to.
According to More, “fat liposuctioned from the hips could reappear in as little as 12 months. The body defends its fat, finding a new home on your belly.” This statement is disturbing for two reasons: First, doesn’t the hospital dispose of the fat? Aren’t most items that are surgically removed from the human body supposed to stay outside of the body? Isn’t that why trashcans were invented?
Or is fat capable of following one home from the hospital, like a white, blobby homing pigeon? And, once it gets there, where does it hide for at least a year? Those of us with teenage sons at home are most likely picturing their bedrooms at this very moment. Since heavy farm equipment can get lost in the piles of dirty underwear and dirtier magazines, you already have your answer. Perhaps the rest of us should all start our 2012 spring cleaning a bit early. Or, at the very least, check all ceiling fixtures.
For those of you who have come to the party late and have forgotten to bring a hostess gift, liposuction is the procedure in which fat is suctioned off one’s body by a state-of-the-art technological piece of wizardry that bears a striking resemblance to the 1972 Electrolux. Once suctioned, girdled, and recovered, the now fat-free individual can once again wear, depending on which part of the body was suctioned, a bikini/skinny pants/sleeveless top/mini-skirt or can stop wearing turtlenecks throughout the summer.
Let’s return to doing all we can to ruin your day. Another grave concern is the following: It’s bad enough for the fat to return, but what if it doesn’t then attach itself to one’s belly, but goes instead to one’s feet, or worse, to one’s nose? After all, most of us will probably agree that free-range fat, unlike free-range chicken, is nothing to be encouraged, let alone ingested.
Further research into this crisis reveals a more accurate, if no less acceptable answer. It appears that human bodies have a relatively finite number of fat cells. Remove some of them and the remaining ones will swell to epic proportions in order to fill up the original space, in remarkably the same manner as lizards can regrow new tails. The difference is that the lizard actually wants to grow a new tail.
The question still remains why fat removed from one place will trigger a fat explosion in another, opening up the creepy but very real possibility that fat cells can communicate with each other and make decisions that override the intentions of the humans that feed them and give them life. This would be sort of like what our children do to us, and that is the creepiest thought yet.
mzem
September 21, 2011
It is a really scary image to think our lipoed fat would follow us home and hide out for a year. Granted I would like to lose the tire around my middle, liposuction seems/is so invasive. I guess I am not that vain.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, especially on such a scary post day. I’m going to shut out all my lights tonight, then turn them on quickly, to see if I can catch rogue fat cells scurrying around.
Dor
September 21, 2011
This is absolutely hilarious!!! I love it!!!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
Thanks, Dor! Plus, it’s an important public service, don’t you think?
pegoleg
September 21, 2011
I’ve always suspected that my fat cells were in charge. This just makes it more frighteningly clear.
Oh no, fat cells instructing hand cells to reach for the Little Debbie Peanut Butter/Chocolate Snack Sticks…Aaaiiiieeeeee!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
My fat cells forced me to start inhaling chocolate butter almond ice cream the other night. Sometimes those little fat cell guys have great taste.
pegoleg
September 21, 2011
My fat cells said to tell you they don’t like nuts in ice cream, and prefer the chocolate/peanut butter combo. They’re not even pretending they’re not in charge any more. The gloves are off.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
September 21, 2011
Oh, great. Now my fat cells are going to join up with the dust bunnies lurking under my bed go on a rampage. I’ll be fat AND fuzzy. Sheesh.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
It’s hopeless. We are outnumbered.
Kathryn McCullough
September 21, 2011
I’ve always suspected trash cans were in on the conspiracy!
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
Methinks everyone is in on it but us.
nrhatch
September 21, 2011
Too funny!
BTW: “fat cells can communicate with each other and make decisions that override the intentions of the humans that feed them and give them life.”
But don’t let that keep you up all night. 😯
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
Yes, funny. And tragic.
Anastasios
September 21, 2011
There was a 1958 movie about this topic. How prescient. It was called The Blob!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
Oooh, you are absolutely right. I forgot about that. Maybe my fat cells can try out for the remake.
notquiteold
September 21, 2011
Hysterical! Your very best post ever!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 21, 2011
Oh boy, I’m farklempt!
Carl D'Agostino
September 22, 2011
Ate no ice cream, no cake or pie for 26 days. Have not lost and ounce and started smoking again.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 22, 2011
Aaargh, that sucks. Have you been exercising also?
She's a Maineiac
September 22, 2011
Fat cells are like our kids! I am so very very scared now.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 22, 2011
You should be,
TheIdiotSpeaketh
September 22, 2011
I can attest that there are fat cells that can withstand nearly 7,000 miles on a stationary bike….without being affected whatsoever….. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
September 22, 2011
Interesting that you say that. When I was training for the 60 mile Avon Breast Cancer Walk and walking hundereds of miles, I didn’t lose an oz. I had to tape my mouth shut in order to lose weight. But other people seem to have the lbs melt away when they exercise.
Sigrid Maria Rogowski
September 22, 2011
No liposuction for me.I eat very healthy food and I exercise.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 22, 2011
Bravo to you!
Joyce
September 22, 2011
I’ve read about that before. Fat reappears as you gain weight, just not in the same location. Pretty yucky if you ask me!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 23, 2011
Everything about fat is creepy. Hey, thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane.
Tori Nelson
September 23, 2011
I’ve been really quiet, straining my neck to try to put my ear up to my muffin top. Can’t wait to hear the sweet, sweet BOOM! of my fat explosion!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2011
Perhaps an ultrasound is in order.
merrilymarylee
September 23, 2011
This is dismaying news! I have been hoping that science would develop a process by which body fat could be used for energy fuel and dreaming about how noble and generous I could be!
Just think about it. . . surely there’s a way that we could power the country with fat cells! Finally, the Republicans would have to shut up about wanting everyone to “put some skin in the game.” Okay, maybe it’s not exactly skin, but it’s close enough.
The news that fat might reappear in some inappropriate location (aren’t they all!) is off-putting, but at least we wouldn’t have an energy crisis. Humanely, we’d allow people whose fat cells had come back in noses and earlobes to go to the head of the donation line.)
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2011
This might seriously win you the Nobel, as well as the undying gratitude of an entire generation of women.
Yvonne Willis Crook
September 23, 2011
I wish I could say I laughed my fat off…but the laughing did raise my endorphin levels.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Bonnie, and for at least getting something from it.
wordsfallfrommyeyes
September 23, 2011
Yeeek. I’d never heard anything like this. I thought lipo was a neat procedure, & a solution. Wasn’t considering it – too expensive, but I always thought it was okay. BTW is that SERIOUSLY a road sign in your banner?? That’s hilarious! You’d have to stop & study it.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, WFFME. Yes, that’s a road sign It is indicative of my general sense of direction in life. Lipo is swell, as long as you then don’t gain weight. If you do, the fat cells that are left go into overdrive and start swelling up like crazy to pick up the slack.
chlost
September 23, 2011
This makes me picture the fat cells as they are being sucked out by the Electrolux…..Can’t you hear them warning the remaining fat cells…”Noooooo! Quick! make more before you are sucked away too! Pleeeeeaaasssseee! Don’t let them get all of us!”
A cartoon image burned into my brain now. Guess this is why I’ll never get lipo-yeah, that’s why……
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2011
This just might be the closest thing to actual reality that I have heard.