Bennu and You

It has just been announced that Bennu, characterized as a “near-earth” object, is due to collide with Earth in 2182. Life in the Boomer Lane should explain, at this point, that the designation of Bennu being a “near-earth” object is not the same as the current gang of GOP henchmen being described as as “near-human.” In this case, the word “near” refers to Bennu’s proximity to Earth, not its similarity to our home planet.

Because Bennu’s arrival may cause continents to splinter, NASA has already set in motion a plan to divert Bennu’s path. But she should warn Loyal Readers that now is not the time to sit back and relax and trust that NASA will save your great-great-greats’ collective butts. Far be it from that, Readers should know that the Forces of Evil who reside in Congress are already starting to fuck up whatever life-saving plans NASA has in mind.

The House GOP, when alerted to NASA’s plan, immediately declared it to be a complete waste of taxpayer money. “We pay enough taxes for stuff that is here now,” one GOP gang member declared. “This Bennu thing is way off in the distance. There is no reason to spend our money for something that will have no benefit to anyone who is alive right now. We have better things to be terrified of. We have Hunter Biden. We have immigrant babies who are flooding across our borders with diapers stuffed with illegal drugs. We have They and Them types using our bathrooms whenever they want to. We have people using history and science to destroy kids’ brains. The worst is that we have this big monster thing called “The Government” that is totally out of control and we have to give it all our money and nobody knows anything about what it does anyway. There is something really scary about that.

A spokesperson for the NRA declared “The best way to protect the US of A always has been and will continue to be the lawful, or unlawful in special cases, right to carry and use firearms. If everyone in the country starts buying guns right now and continues to do so until 2182, there is no meteor that will dare try to fuck with us.” Within 15 minutes of the announcement, gun sales in the US skyrocketed and there were 14 mass shootings.

The newly-formed “Trump Won in 2020 and Has Already Won in 2024,” put out an emergency money appeal to all Loyal Trumpers, both in the US and in Florida. “Don’t let NASA jerk you around. Your dollars will make the difference between Democracy and Whatever We Would Have Instead. And, if you are on a fixed income, don’t worry. You can still help. You can direct your Social Security or retirement checks to go directly to Trump.” Within hours, enough money was raised to have Trump be able to order a custom wardrobe suitable for incarceration and prison rallies, should that ever be needed. The rest of the money will be given to Trump attorneys, who, according to their client, they will use in their “ongoing quest to save the planet from really bad stuff.”

It was not until everyone else had weighed in that anyone thought to get a reaction from Kevin McCarthy, the Speaker of the House. McCarthy was finally tracked down, in a small anteroom off the House floor, standing in a corner with a dog biscuit balanced on his nose. Marjorie Taylor Green, in the room with him, explained. I’m training my dog to do this at home and wait for my command to eat. The Freedom Caucus put this demand in our list of demands in order for us to to support McCarthy. Those of us who have dogs can practice on him.” Since he could not answer without dislodging the biscuit, McCarthy was unavailable for comment.