Flying With the Kardashians

Posted on February 12, 2019


Life in the Boomer Lane has just returned from Seattle.  She spent a large portion of her time there playing “Nail Salon” with her two granddaughters, aged five and two. The nail salon products were provided by LBL as part of their Valentine’s Day gift. These products were a big hit.

LBL, however, did not follow the same rules of good grooming while she was there. The large cowlick at the back of her head remained unattended. She did not use the travel flatiron she had brought with her. She did not apply any of the cosmetics she had brought with her. She played fast and loose and didn’t care.

On the morning of her flight back, she arose at 4 AM, and decided that a shower and hair washing could wait until she returned home. A heavy coat with hood and a scarf would adequately disguise the failed bathed and groomed condition festering underneath.

LBL settled into her aisle seat on the plane. The middle seat was, thankfully, not taken. A young woman appeared, headed for the window seat. LBL saw immediately that this young woman was one of the countless Kardashian clones that keep multiplying all over the country, on a daily basis: Dramatically waved hair that cascaded all the way down her back.  Super long sharp fingernails in a bright reddish-orange hue.  Super tight pants.  Every conceivable make up possibility, professionally applied to her face. She was groomed to perfection.  LBL pulled her hood even further over her face.

LBL spent her five hours on the plane reading, watching a movie and playing about 130 games of online Solitaire. Her Kardashian seatmate spent her time involved in what appeared to be texting (How do people do that on planes?) and scrolling through countless photos of other young women who looked remarkably like her.

Let’s make one thing absolutely clear here. This young woman was super nice and super polite. Although she and LBL didn’t have an actual conversation, the only words they spoke (how lucky they were to have the middle seat vacant, which the three extremely large men across the aisle were all jammed in together), let LBL know that having an actual conversation with her might have been a very enjoyable activity.

When the pilot announced the initial descent of the plane, the young woman reached down and retrieved her backpack. From it, she pulled a carry case with handle that was the size of a small microwave. It was filled to the brim with cosmetic supplies. She balanced a mirror on her lap and spent the next ten minutes meticulously applying the contents of the case. LBL refrained from swivelling her head, so she had to watch simply by moving her eyeballs left. But, from what she could discern, there seemed to be at least five different kinds of foundation that were applied to various parts of her face,

After this was completed, she reached into the backpack and pulled out a large zippered case that contained only eye make up products. The next ten minutes were spent applying these. LBL continued to appear stare at her Solitaire screen, while actually forcing her eyeballs as far left as possible (her eyeballs were becoming set in a naturally left-swivelled state), to watch the progress of the application.

By the time the plane touched down, the young woman looked exactly as she did when she boarded. LBL, on the other hand, had her hood covering even more of her face and her scarf pulled up over the rest. She entered the terminal and started to head toward the exit, where Now Husband was due to pick her up. But her own inability to keep up appearances kept nagging at her. She knew she would have to do something immediately in order to get back some self-respect. She went into the ladies room (only to pee), then headed to the kiosk next to it and bought a large chocolate bar, which she inhaled with amazing speed.

By the time Now Husband pulled up, LBL was riding on the giddy wave of increased chocolate-produced endorphins. Her scarf was removed and her hood was pulled back.  She was ready to greet the world, unmade up, cowlicked and completely shame-free.