Balk Like An Egyptian

Posted on February 28, 2018


Archaeologists in Egypt say they have discovered a 4,400-year-old tomb near the pyramids outside Cairo.   Along with an astonishing number of artifacts, what makes this tomb especially exciting is that it likely belongs to a high-ranking female official by the name of Heptet.  In addition to being a high-ranking official, Heptet was also a priestess. Among her many titles, the priestess was also identified as, roughly translated, “the one who is in front of the lake.”

“There’s a debate about this title, which is unique for a woman,” Egyptian archeologist and site inspector Ashraf Mohie El-Din said. “It could be an overseer of a garden, or maybe even a farmer.”

Alert readers may stop at this point and ask “What the hell…?  Is this yet one more example of men attempting to rewrite history, as it pertains to powerful women?”  Obviously, a woman standing in front of a lake was too much for these guys, because it went against their beliefs. So, instead, they put Heptet in a garden or worse, made her a farmer.  Hey guys, why not just make her a menial weed puller, while you are at it?

Life in the Boomer Lane says No. F-ing. Way.  Give her the damn lake and let her do whatever she wants with it.  Meanwhile, LBL digresses. Back to the discovery.

To show how important Heptet was, this is her second tomb.  The first was discovered in another necropolis. Heptet was important enough to have a main residence and a vacation place.

The tomb being excavated now includes wall paintings depicting Hetpet watching different hunting and fishing scenes. The scenes depicted monkeys, at the time commonly kept as domestic animals.  One is picking fruit and the other is dancing before an orchestra.  While it is not clear what kind of dance the monkey is doing, it is obvious that this monkey is grooving to the music.

A spokesmonkey for the International Monkey Protectorate (IMP) responded to the find.

“We had a rather illustrious life back then, before we became zoo residents, lab experiment victims and were constantly confused with apes.  We believe it will be pretty soon that the tomb of a high-ranking monkey official will be discovered, and the entire story will be made public.”

The drawings on the walls of Heptet’s tomb show Heptet in a variety of scenes from everyday life, including hunting, fishing, and milking cows. In one scene, Heptet is eating, while her daughters give her offerings.

Yet one more of Heptet’s achievements: Raising daughters who served her, rather than spending all their time in their rooms, writing hieroglyphic notes to loser boyfriends.  For that alone, Heptet should be famous.

In another scene, a monkey holds a basket of fruit. There have been speculations that this monkey was trained to collect food for its owner, but Mohie El-Din is skeptical. “Some people say it’s a domestic monkey, but did you ever see a monkey picking fruit for someone else?” he said. “My opinion is that the monkey stole the basket and is eating the fruit.” Mohie El-Din added that although monkeys in ancient Egyptian mythology have an association with wisdom, the animals were also just a part of  life, often used for entertainment purposes.

Once again, El-Din is raining on Heptet’s parade.  Or, more specifically, on the monkeys’ parade. The IAP spokesmonkey said the following.

“This statement infuriates me.  Why are we constantly asked to see monkeys in a negative light?   I can trace my own lineage to Ancient Egypt and I can tell you that none of my ancestors was a felon of any kind.  I strongly suspect that monkeys not only picked fruit for Heptet, but they probably ran their own orchards.

“Second, this knucklehead acknowledges that we were known for our intelligence, then takes it back by saying we were part of everyday life.  Where did they get this clown,  anyway?”

Mohie El-Din was unmoved by the spokesmonkey’s statement.  “I believe this to be a fake monkey,” he responded.  He went on to use words like “dishonest,” “phony,”  “sick,” “highly slanted,” “failing,”  and “an enemy of good folks everywhere.”

The spokesmonkey, rather than respond directly, indicated that he and all decent law-abiding monkeys everywhere would work diligently to unseat Mohie El-Din in the next general election for Site Inspector.

Heptet’s mummy has not yet been found.  Mohie El-Din is already preparing to open a new excavation site. “We keep looking and working, and every day we find a new discovery,” he said. “Just give me a budget, and I’ll give you a discovery.”

The spokesmonkey responded, “Budget, budget, budget. We know what that means. More money for military security at the tombs. Less for social programs for the poor slobs doing the excavating.  How many times do we have to go through this?

Mohie El-Din countered: “I would be taking this joke of a monkey more seriously if he weren’t hanging upside down, eating a banana, while he was talking.”

The spokesmonkey, between bites, seemed to have the final word.  “Working toward the election, dude, working toward the election.” He took another bite.









Posted in: history, humor, satire