Bitch Planet

Posted on December 10, 2014



Vox Magazine had an interesting article about a new feminist comic book titled “Bitch Planet.” This comic has deep and meaningful ramifications for society’s often misguided and misogynistic culture. But, since Life in the Boomer Lane stopped caring about comics once she got too old for Betty and Veronica, she doesn’t care about this.

On the other hand, it did get her to start thinking about what a Bitch Planet would really look like:

1. There would be no war.  There would just be a bunch of countries not talking to each other. While LBL would love to take credit for this line (Feel free to quote this and attribute it to her on all you favorite social media sites), the line has been around for awhile. It’s sort of true. Most women are averse to physical mayhem, and LBL suspects that things would settle down considerably, with women in charge.

2. It would be a more difficult place for men. Oppressed Majority, a film written by Majorite Opprimee, has gone viral on YouTube.  Aside from LBL’s vision of billions of YouTube offerings all going viral at the same, creating a worldwide epidemic of films of zany animals and UFO sightings,  she agrees that a women-run planet would be a pretty grim place for men. In the fantasy world of the film, women are thriving – they have the better jobs, they go jogging topless, they urinate in public and they alternately undermine or sexually harass every man they encounter. Aside from the jogging topless part and the sexual harassment of men, LBL is on board with this vision.

3. There would be at least three times as many women’s bathrooms as men’s, and there would always be a lot of toilet paper available.  LBL has often wondered what it is, exactly that women do in those stalls, that takes so much more time than men do in their bathrooms and creates permanent, never-ending lines. She acknowledges that it takes a few more seconds to pull ones panties down, and an additional several more seconds to use toilet paper after urination. But this doesn’t account for the inordinate time many women spend in stalls. Then she remembered Spanx, and her own sole episode with the diabolical product. Now she understands.

4. Research would come up with a mammogram machine what didn’t turn boobs into pancakes. LBL is personally confident, each time she has a mammogram, that the machine will malfunction at the exact moment her boob is encased in it.  It will continue to grind down, splattering boob contents all over the room.  This is exactly the same thing she thinks about when her blood pressure is taken, with arm contents, instead of boob contents, covering the lab technician.

5. Major league sports, while still popular, would not be revered quite as much as they are now. They would take second place to the gym, yoga, running marathons, and flossing.

6. Restaurant menus would state very clearly that all items on the menu are mere suggestions, and patrons should feel free to eliminate/substitute ingredients at will, as well as have all salad dressings on the side.

7. Restaurants would present checks in which the total bill was equally divided and various percentages would be listed for the tip OR restaurants would present bills that showed each person’s individual orders, with totals, and tips would be generated separately for each order. People on diets would not have to pay for desserts that were ordered for the table, even though they may have tasted the dessert.

8. Online dating site questionnaires would be in essay form, rather then multiple choice. Photos of men would not be posted if the man was wearing a hat, presented a nude chest, or if a hand or arm could be detected, indicating that a past girlfriend/wife had been cut out of the photo.

9. Parking tickets would be forgiven with really good excuses.

10. Nothing anyone would actually want to buy would be put on the highest shelves in stores.   This final item isn’t necessarily one that women desire, but, since LBL is really short, she just decided to throw it in. Being the author of a blog has its perks.