How to Buy A Swimsuit

Life in the Boomer Lane has been so busy shoveling snow, losing gloves and stocking up on milk, toilet paper, and the makings of chocolate chip cookies, that she has failed to notice that Spring starts in two days. Spring is the season in which all of LBL’s senses undergo their yearly reawakening, and she is once again conscious that her body does not fit into any swimsuit that has been made for humans to actually wear. This awareness is followed by dread that some kind of water-related event will occur that demands LBL’s participation. This year, LBL has decided to meet the enemy head on. She has done her homework and she now shares what she has learned:

Why is swimsuit shopping so difficult?

Swimsuit shopping is difficult because, while other forms of clothing can change to accommodate aging bodies, swimsuits are mostly stuck on pause. Over the decades, we can switch from sleeveless to sleeved tops, from shorts to crop pants, from high heels to flats. While it is true that we also have the option of switching from bikinis to more modest one-piece suits, LBL is as yet unaware that any swimsuit manufacturers have dealt with upper arm or neck/thigh/knee/calf/ankle coverage.

Is there one fail-safe style that flatters everyone?

The swim burka looks good on everyone. Aside from that, you could wear something that distracts the eye from noticing your swimsuit. Anything with large clusters of diamonds will do nicely. The khaleesi on Game of Thrones cleverly has live dragons perch on her shoulders when she finds herself in a pesky situation and wants to distract someone from killing her. But dragons are hard to come by and they can turn on you.

Is it safe to buy a swimsuit online?

Yes. Just make sure you understand the return policy. Or no. If it can’t be returned, you are a lunkhead for buying it.

What if one is out-of-proportion: big on the top and really flat on the bottom?

Fit the bust area first. This will give you a suit that is perfect for your top and can accommodate all of your beach equipment on the bottom.

What if one is bigger on the bottom?

That makes you a normal woman and LBL doesn’t care about you.

What is the best type bikini to wear for a bikini competition?

LBL doesn’t know how you got in here but she intends to beef up her security in the future. Now leave.

Are there certain styles you should never even take into the dressing room?

Stay away from bikinis, small two-piece sets, buckles, zippers, animal fur, and blinking lights at the crotch area.

What can women do to avoid looking old at the beach?

Bring your grandmother with you. Just make sure she isn’t some kind of 90-year-old hottie.