After having planned either an in depth analysis of the current armed insurrection in Syria or the IRS targeting certain groups here at home, this writer casually picked up her current copy of AARP Magazine and was rendered (almost) speechless to discover little known facts about Superman.
Item Number 4 should have not only been Number 1, it should have been on the cover of the magazine. It was:
He’s (probably) Jewish.
Hit me over the head with a Kryptonite spatula. Superman? Man of Steel? Rippling muscles? Slick back dark hair with sexy loose lock across forehead? Flying? Getting himself into dangerous situations with unsavory lowlifes? With no disrespect to her peeps and homies, and based on a decades-long knowledge of people like Uncle Sidney and Uncle George, this writer can’t imagine how a nice Jewish boy could aspire to a life of mayhem and tights.
AARP gives up the evidence:
1. Superman’s Kryptonian name is Kal-El (Hebrew for “vessel of God”)
2. Like Moses, he was launched to safety by his parents and adopted by Gentiles
3. His middle name is Joseph
4. He failed his Army physical (this doesn’t actually mean anything, unless his mother was behind this)
Based on the above, this writer decided to review everything she knew about Superman, mostly based on the old comics and 1950s TV show.
1. In the original comics, Superman couldn’t fly. When he flew on the TV show, he was actually lying down on a table, with some kind of fan blowing the cape. Look at any old reruns and it’s obvious.
Oy Superman, vat you vant to go up in de air for? No flying and dat’s dat! Later:
OK, OK, you vant to fly, fly. But just on dis table.
2. Superman’s relationship with Lois Lane, that never seemed to get any traction.
Vaht kind uf name iss Lois Lane? Dis iss a shiksa’s name! You vant to flirt? Go ahead and flirt. Juss dun’t get serious. You dun’t marry a shiksa.
3. Let’s examine the name “Superman.” When a last name ends in “man,” it’s probably Jewish. (Note to readers: Please don’t send me names of people whose last names end in “man” and who aren’t Jewish. This is my blog and I can make it up any way I want to.)
4. Let’s examine the name “Kent.” This writer dated a boy named KENT TableMAN in college. Jewish. Tall. Handsome. Broad-shouldered. Dark hair. Hot. There you have it.
5. Let’s examine the bulge below Superman’s belt. This writer has done extensive research to determine if there is a circumcised member hidden under the little skimpy red panties. No conclusions have yet been reached, necessitating further research. Oh yes.