Abble, ken I halp you?
Uh, yes, I am trying to get an app for my iPhone and Apple won’t recognize my user name or password. This has happened to me several times before.
I ken halp you. Vhat iss your passvort?
Uh, that’s why I am calling you. Apple doesn’t recognize my password.
Vaht ver you trying to do?
Like I said, I was trying to get an app.
(A lot of things happen here, which are confusing and tragic for this writer and would put the reader to sleep faster than an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)
OK, now you must chuse a new passvort.
Uh, that’s a problem. I have picked so many passwords already,that whatever I pick now is something I have already used.
Here iss a suggestion. Pick a name uf somevun you know. You vill remember dat and you vill know it starts vit a capital letter. You must use a capital letter.
Yes, I sort of figured that out myself, actually. I have used the names of all of my children and all of my husbands and all of my pets. I think I have also used the names of most members of Congress. At this point, I would either have to give birth again or get divorced and remarry or get a new cat or dog or move to a different country. I think that’s a bit excessive, don’t you?
Mebbe so. So, I vill now giff you time to chuse a new passvort.
(Time goes by, in which this writer reviews her entire life, but gets sidetracked thinking about how Danny Irons dumped her for the senior prom)
Dit you chuse a new passvort?
Yes, luckily I haven’t yet used the name of the shtetl in Belarus in which my grandfather’s third wife was born.
Belarus? Dat is vere I am!
Yes, I suspected it was either that or Brooklyn.
Vat iss your granfadder’s turd wife’s town?
Leszcsynkowszczyzna. It’s across the Svislachowiecz River from Leszcsynkowszczyzno.
Nebber herd uf it. But now you must chuse annoder passvort because now I know vat you were going to use.
I can’t vin, ken I?
Not dat I know uf. And vy are you talking funny now?
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Cove Cleaners
January 11, 2013
That’s hysterical! I’m sitting here in my pj’s laughing hard. Sometimes getting a real human is worse than dealing with a computer-voice prompt. Great picture, too! Thanks for starting my day with your inimitable humor.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
You are welcome. Yes, all too true. The Apple tech person was a sweetheart, but you are right, sometimes the real people can be worse than the virtual people.
shoutabyss
January 11, 2013
I suspect you have a very clever imagination. Apple employees are exclusively bubbly and helpful. 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Helpful, yes. Bubbly, not so much. But in the general world of tech help, my experience is that Apple is way above everyone else.
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
January 11, 2013
Hilarious! You get better and better.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Thanks, Ronnie, or maybe it’s that the world keep getting worse and worse.
larousse7
January 11, 2013
Fantastic! Literally laughing out loud!
I used to teach English to a Moroccan guy who claimed to work in telesales. I’m not sure how he coped because he baffled me with his “Leddy Di- you know? It is dead.” That’s about as far as we got on the topic of “typically British things”…
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 13, 2013
Hilarious. I give these people huge credit for speaking more than their native tonguie. But it does get funny sometimes.
lauramacky
January 11, 2013
Haha. Funny! I used to manage electric and gs s commercial projects and one time a lady with a similar accent called me explaining she was opening a restaurant and needed “electricals” so I asked if she needed gasicals too LOL.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Thanks, Laura. The most fun bus ride I ever took was from DC to NY, in which the driver was a Russian who had just arrived here. He was the dearest, sweetest man, and he did a running commentary that was better than any comedy show. His use of English was hilarious, especially the idioms that were completely screwed up. We all applauded him at the end. I gave him a big tip.
twindaddy
January 11, 2013
This is genius.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Oh my, thanks.
ammaponders
January 11, 2013
So good! We do keep trying to use all this, don’t we?
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
We do, and somewhere there are forces laughing themselves sick over our attempts.
Betty Londergan
January 11, 2013
Passwords — the bane of modern existence. I was using all the same one for everything, because I have no ability to keep anything straight … but now they are getting tricky with it, demanding a cap letter, number and symbol — crapola! So now I write all my passwords in my address book, meaning if you steal my address book, you have my complete identity — and welcome to it! I’m exhausted!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
I know. The demands on passwords now make it impossible to repeat them, and my brain is making it impossible for me to even remember my birthday. Someone gave me a great idea. Each time you choose a new password, take a picture of it on your cell and you will always have it. I think I am going to do that with the entire list. But, yes, if I lose my cell, then random people can access my accounts. We are screwed, aren’t we?
The Byronic Man
January 11, 2013
Sometimes with tech calls I just want to start crying and say, “Please. Please fix this. Please.” and just go about it that way.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Here’s a tip: That doesn’t work. Neither does “Please, I need you to fix this because my grandmother’s dying wish was to see a particular Netflix movie and I can’t remember my password.”
Audrey
January 11, 2013
This is hysterical! At least you get some blog fodder out of that call with customer service. 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Thanks, Audrey. I seriously have PTSD from calls years ago with Sprint, Dell, and Sony.
ryoko861
January 11, 2013
I can’t stand phone techs! Verizon is the worst! The language barrier is only HALF the problem! This is exactly what goes on! You nailed it! Hilarious!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Thanks, Ryoko!
BobG
January 11, 2013
Try using a passphrase. Much easier to remember. Something like “Tech sucks!@#$” would be easy to remember. Any word could be substituted for “Tech”.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
I seriously love the Techsucks idea, since I say it all the time anyway. And there are so many other things that suck, I’d never run out of possibilities. If I choose TheIRSsucks, will they come after me?
Lynn Schneider
January 11, 2013
Ah, this was so funny, I really enchoyed it. Tanks!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
You are welcome, Lynn. Life just keeps handing me this stuff and I just keep passing it along.
chlost
January 11, 2013
My daughter just started a new job as a tech support person for a software company. Perhaps she will need to learn an accent in order to be most (keast) effective in this job!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
My best to your daughter. Not sure I’d ever want a job like that, dealing with testy/irate/confused people all day long. I so admire these people for doing what they do.
Patricia
January 11, 2013
Sort of like ordering at the drive thru window at fast food places…
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
Oh my, that’s a whole other thing. The initial speaker is always so garbled, I just yell my order over and over and hope someone somewhere gets it.
vyvacious
January 12, 2013
Hahaha! So good because I know exactly what you’re talking about!! One time I called my credit card company because I had to verify some potentially fraudulent charges. It was the first time I had ever heard an Indian Southern accent. I don’t know what happened there but it was most difficult to understand this person, that’s for sure!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 12, 2013
That’s pretty hilarious, except I’m sure you didn’t think so at the time.
vyvacious
January 13, 2013
The moment I hung up I burst out laughing but at first I was just majorly confused and frustrated for sure 😛
Valentine Logar
January 13, 2013
Tech Support in general infuriates me. This was wonderfully funny.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 13, 2013
Thanks, Valentine. It seems like at any given moment, I am either thinking about calling tech support, calling tech support, or wondering what just happened after I have hung up from tech support.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
January 14, 2013
I don’t experience tech support as frustrating or annoying. I experience it as terror. Computer problems can be scary, but never scarier than the task of finding someone who won’t make them worse, and can even fix them. Last week when I thought my life had ended, fate handed me a Verizon support person who had knowledge, empathy, and a quite reasonable command of our mutual language. When I realized that he had actually resolved my predicament, I blubbered a saliva-rich “thikyosoMUCHohtnkyu” and burst into tears.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 21, 2013
I’ve had the same reaction. Even though I have asked for help, I feel as though the person appeared on his/her own and saved me.