It’s Only A Number

The latest episode of Battle of the Age Gladiators pits Donald Trump against Joe Biden. Trump’s people have been age-bashing Biden for a long time now, asserting that Biden, by virture of the fact that he is in the 79-106 age demographic, is unfit to hold office. Trump, on the other hand, a member of the 35-78 demographic, continues to be in the prime of his life, enjoying middle age by honing his physique and melding all high profile women together to make his speeches more efficient.

Life in the Boomer Lane, having gotten to the bottom of her pantry without finding any snacks to focus on, will now, instead, focus on this issue of age, specifically, just what is the statistical difference between 76 and 81?

The first difference is easy. Biden was born during WWII, when kids were expected, just like their Depression-era parents, to be scrappy, grateful, industrious and start paying for their own maintainance by age 15. On the other hand, Trump, a Baby Boomer, entered the world after the war, when kids became a joy and a delight and a vessal into which to pour copious money.

Now on to the physical differences. Age experts will tell you that 76 and 81 are both in the Old Category. Beyond that, what do we know? LBL consulted Dr Google. This is what they said:

At age 75:

• Your Heart Works Harder.
• Your Skin Feels Different.
• You Find It Harder to See and Hear.
• Your Teeth and Gums Change.
• Your Bones Become More Brittle.
• Going to the Bathroom.
• It’s Harder Getting Around or Staying Strong.
• Your Sex Life Changes, Too.

At age 80:

• our Heart Works Harder.
• Your Skin Feels Different.
• You Find It Harder to See and Hear.
• Your Teeth and Gums Change.
• Your Bones Become More Brittle.
• Going to the Bathroom.
• It’s Harder Getting Around or Staying Strong.
• Your Sex Life Changes, Too.

Aside from the fact that these lists had all kinds of grammatical errors (including one horrific sentence fragment), Dr Google could find no differences between those ages. LBL then searched all over the internet, coming up with only one more tidbit that applied to both ages: “You may lose height,” the word “may” being quite subjective and an actual synonym to the word “will.” This “may” come as a big surprise to men, who still refer to their young adult height as their height 50 years later.

LBL’s conclusion is that, while age continues to do its nasty little wrecking ball-thing to one’s Your-Body-is-A-Temple, examininging a specific four year difference is mighty tough, aside from saying that the incremental decline, of course, continues from minute to minute. For purposes of elucidation, let’s say that two random old people, four years apart in age, are leisurely hiking somewhere, instead of wisely staying at home. Let’s say they are hiking on the bike path along the Potomac in Washington DC. At some point, each of them will have to pee. The lucky one will not be the one who is four years younger and owns a slightly younger bladder and muscular system. It will be the one who is randomly closer to the pilot’s lounge at National Airport, when the urge presents itself. 

If no rest room is available, the scrappy older one will come up with some possibly embarrassing makeshift solution (LBL leaves it up to Readers’ imagination, here.) that will come back to haunt him on social media. The younger one will start yelling for park personnel and will blame them for his dilemma. He will call his attorneys and start a lawsuit. He will also order his minions in Congress to start impeachment proceedings against the Secretary of the Interior and the Secretary of Homeland Security and the Secretary of Porta Potties. He will rail on X, as urine runs down his legs.

LBL hopes that all of this serves to clear up whatever it is she was trying to say. Her attention span, as well as her bladder retention, has gone well over its limit.