Life in the Boomer Lane can’t help it. Whenever anything happens that makes her feel uncomfortable or helpless or scared, she makes a joke. Then LBL makes herself laugh (because she is always her own best audience) and then things come out of her nose. Her life has never been directly threatened, but on two occasions when it was sort of threatened by scary things being pointed at her by people she didn’t know (one gun, one knife,) she laughed. LBL suspects that if she had lived at the time of WWII and had chosen to stay behind in Europe as some members of her family did, her last words on earth would have been to the person next to her in line, “A funny thing happened on my way to Dachau….” as they both marched toward the smoke. (Apologies to her deceased family.)
This week’s issue of Newsweek has now provided LBL with news items that are inexplicable, disturbing, and downright scary. Hence, jokes. Hence, things coming out of her nose:
Mike Huckabee: “Having grown up in Kenya, his (Obama’s) view of the Brits…is very different than the average American.” Get this man a world map. Show him that Hawaii isn’t a city in Kenya. On second thought, forget it. No evidence about anything has had any impact on him, so why should this.
China: In China today…there are 123 male children for every 100 females. Economists ask what the consequences will be. Forget the economists. History shows that we have far more serious problems on the table when males dominate a society.
The mideast revolution: “…the oil barons and the traders will get richer, and most people worldwide will scramble against higher oil and food prices and declining economies.” (Note to anyone writing about anything: The previous statement will be the appropriate answer for all questions from now on, even those including breast implants and toilet training.)
Success in marriage: is, according to the latest research, and contrary to what any of us (except for Larry King) have ever believed, all about being delusional about ones’ spouse, and not being clear and focused. If you are contemplating marriage, get rid of the books and marriage counselors and just go out and find some who’s really really hot.
Charlie Sheen: You seriously didn’t think you’d be able to read a post without a reference to that guy, did you? Two minutes after he was dumped from Two and A Half Men, he was offered a $3 million endorsement deal for a drink called “Just Chill,” which claims to reduce stress. Winning.
Carnal Desires and Urination: Scientists have discovered that all carnal desires are connected and all are tied to urination. Hold it in and you have self control over everything else. But even just thinking about urination means all is lost. Seriously bad news for post-menopausal women.
This post is over because her pants are wet and she has things spewing out of her nose.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
writerwoman61
March 11, 2011
Hmmm…carnal desires are tied to urination? Oops…I think I just peed a little…
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
You’re hot.
territerri
March 11, 2011
That’s good marriage advice. I’m gonna pass that along to my kids. Seriously, I think there’s some merit to that. You can forgive anyone anything if they’re just so good looking you forget you were mad that the toilet seat got left up again. It’s too late for me though. I don’t really think I can get away with telling my husband that if he were just a bit better looking than he already is, I’d be less pissed off at him all the time.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Yeah, it’s probably too late for some of us. But it does give hope to millions who enter into marriage with little thought that goes beyond the color scheme at the wedding/the hours after the wedding. I say we eliminate rational thought entirely, which is sort of the way the world is going anyway right now.
atticannie
March 11, 2011
I found you via Terri’s blog. You are seriously funny. I need to read you these days. Thanks for the humor. Attic Annie
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Hey, thanks for finding me and commenting!
Hippie Cahier
March 11, 2011
“. . . .This post is over because my pants are wet and I have things spewing out of my nose. ”
Hilarious! You are going to be THE hit of the retirement home, you know, thirty years or so from now.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
This is exactly what I fear, being the hit of the retirement home. I’ll only need one joke, because I won’t remember I told it and no one will remember having heard it.
happykidshappymom
March 11, 2011
“Because I am always my own best audience.” What a great line! I love it, and will have to use it from now on. I too laugh at inappropriate things. It’s just a reflex. But I think if I had a gun aimed at me (yikes) I could hold it in. Who knows. Hopefully it’ll never be put to the test! Glad I came across your blog. Thanks for the laugh!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and commenting! When I had a knife held up to my face in a movie theater rest room, and I laughed, the woman weilding the knife looked at me like I was completely insane, put the knife away and walked out. Sometimes it pays to be inappropriate.
36x37
March 11, 2011
Ha ha ha, Mike Huckabee. That guy is such an idiot.
Great, funny post as usual, friend. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Thanks! I have to make jokes about Huckabee and the legions of people like him. Otherwise I will sink into a permanent depression.
omawarisan
March 11, 2011
So in China, there are a bunch of guys wandering around who held it in for decades despite being ruled out of even dating (to say nothing of subsequently being invited in for a drink afterward) who have just had to let it go out of sheer exhaustion. Lonely, broken hearted men with wet pants and nothing to do but screw with other people who they ought to just be leaving alone.
Damn, they’ve bred a generation of Huckabees.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
THAT was funny. You are good.
deliriouslydivine
March 11, 2011
oh! The last one… desire and urination? I now understand the root of all my problems. ALL…
Lovely ending!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Who knew, right? This makes women of a certain age UNBELIEVABLY HOT.
deliriouslydivine
March 12, 2011
Well, damn! I’ll be the hottest chick in town soon….
Amiable Amiable
March 11, 2011
I laugh at funerals. (Sounds like a blog, doesn’t it?) Thank God food isn’t served at ’em, or I’d have the whole stuff-coming-out-of-my-nose thing going on.
And, so, if my husband kicks the bucket before me, there’s a really good chance that I’ll be laughing hysterically at his service thinking about how delusional I was saying “yes” to his proposal. Which isn’t to say that I don’t love my husband, just that I should have known then what I know now: he will never, ever, ever be able to put the seat down.
Oh, well, tonight, when I go to pee in the dark at 1am and I fall into the toilet because the seat is up, I’ll just laugh.
Also, unlike territerri (whose comment I loved), I think I CAN get away with saying to my 60-year-old husband each time he does something to annoy me, “If you’d just trim your nose and ear hair, you’d be much better looking and I’d be much less pissed.”
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
OK, so I’ve counted THREE great possibilities for blog posts in your comment. Hilarious. Start writing.
Amy
March 11, 2011
My husband and I will see some terrible tragedy on the evening news and then promptly make some incredibly inappropriate joke and laugh. Then we both tell each other that we’re going to Hell. At least we won’t be alone.
We don’t have the nasal spewage problem, though.
You gotta laugh cause if you started crying you might never stop.
I don’t remember how I got here (through Hippie, I think) but I am glad I wandered in!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and for commenting! I’m with you. If I don’t make jokes about all the horrible things going on now, my head will explode and in addition to nose stuff, there will be brain matter all over everything.
Elly Lou
March 11, 2011
Meanwhile I’m now peeing every 20 minutes. I got your carnal right here. I don’t even know what that means. But now I have to pee again.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
Smokin hot.
Tori Nelson
March 11, 2011
I used to laugh and pee a little when things made me nervous… After having birthed a kid…sometimes I just pee without cause. You can’t stop the flow!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
And it only gets worse. They don’t tell you things like this when, after the contractions have finally ended and the baby is born, you say, “Well, at least that’s over.”
planejaner
March 11, 2011
In my family, we call my tendency to let things fall out of my mouth “Social Tourettes”.
If I tell folks I suffer from it, they cut me some slack–until they figure out it’s not a real disorder.
shucks.
blessings
jane
p.s. funny, as always!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 11, 2011
I just laughed. But I remembered to blow my nose first.
notjustagranny
March 11, 2011
🙂 great post. Saw your comment on the freshly pressed blog from FrancoPolis re friending his Dad on facebook. Enjoyed your response to your daughter!!! Glad she is still on fb!
I am also a babyboomer & suffer from the ‘talking to myself’ lergy! havent yet reached the ‘stuff coming out my nose’ stage but there’s still time. I have however reached the ‘pee in my pants’ stage (and if my daugher read this she would have hysterics).
I am so with you on the only need one joke for retirement issue…..I already have that problem…. 🙂 can never remember the gist of the joke and seldom the end!
Loved all the comments, they were just as entertaining as the blog!! Isn’t it great that we can share and laugh about life on the internet.
thanks for a giggle. will be back for sure.
Regards
Cindy
@notjustagranny
lifeintheboomerlane
March 12, 2011
Hi Cindy! Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and making a comment. Don’t you find that we “women of a certain age” bond so easily now? Aside from the blogs, I can do it in real life. too. I can be in a store and stand in line next to a woman around my age,and suddenly we talking about all kinds of things: body parts replacement, peeing in our pants, loss of all brain cells, whatever. I feel like I’m in a club with all kinds of women I don’t know. I see your email address is uk. My daughter lives in London.
merrilymarylee
March 12, 2011
My past carnal desires prove your point.
I have three kids. That was 27 months of big-headed babies sitting on my bladder and kicking me in the kidneys.
Yep, that would do it.
For goodness’ sakes, don’t make me sneeze.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 12, 2011
We’re all veterans of the Bladder Wars, aren’t we?
thelifeofjamie
March 12, 2011
grrrrr.. Charlie Sheen. I saw something today that said he was dead (false) and really hoped it was true
lifeintheboomerlane
March 12, 2011
Oooooh, you are bad. But it’s a good kind of bad.
carldagostino
March 12, 2011
Most everything that comes out of congress these days is coming out of their booger filled noses(That’s something Dave Barry would say). No wait a minute. Their alleged “ideas” must be coming out of their communal collective corporate ______s.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 12, 2011
Yes! So funny! (And so tragic) And that does sound like a Dave Barryism. And how did you know that Dave Barry is my hero? I heard him speak at the AARP Convention last year. He is a rock star and I am his groupie.
carldagostino
March 13, 2011
I think Dave Barry still lives here in Miami and he was associated with the Miami Herald for many years. In my humor pieces, upon rereads I find myself sounding very much like him. I saw him at the Miami Book Fair in 1985 with Deborah and Jennifer(English teachers of course). Saw the other great one Garrison Keillor and listened to a young emerging female authoress Flarety O’Conner.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 13, 2011
Be still my beating heart. I often think of the “What would Jesus do?” thing when I’m writing. When I get stuck on saying something I know is funny but the words aren’t coming, I ask myself “What would Dave Barry do?” He often leads me out of the wilderness.
Allison
March 13, 2011
I tend to laugh in appropriate situations too…like the other night at a presentation by Abby’s principal about the importance of reading to children to help them learn to read (preacher meet choir). The audience was parents of kindergarteners and 1st graders. She asked how many of our kids come home excited after learning about science. Very few people raised their hands, and she seems befuddled. Her school doesn’t teach science in kindergarten. The principal seemed not to know that…which made me laugh to the point of having to bite my cheek and think about the messes my dog leaves on the floor to quit laughing.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 13, 2011
I would have been there laughing right along with you. And then, when I thought of the messes your dog leaves on your floor, I would have laughed even more.
sunshineinlondon
March 13, 2011
Remind me not to make you laugh when I meet you, I’ll need to dodge flying objects! Oh dear, you also make yourself laugh … 🙂
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
March 13, 2011
I’ll try to keep myself under control. Wishful thinking. 4 days! Yippee!