Bimbos, Dildos, and Ho-Hos

Posted on November 19, 2012

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In an event even more shocking than the removal of a 9 inch dildo from the intestines of a 30-year-old man in Zhongshan, China, the Hostess Company, purveyors of food like substances since 1930, is shutting its doors.  No longer will chubby fingers be able to pull apart such nutrient-deficient but oh-so-fun products as Sno Balls, Devil Dogs, Funny Bones, Ring Dings, Yodels, Zingers, Donettes, Ding Dongs, Ho-Hos, and Twinkies.

“We deeply regret the necessity of today’s decision, but we do not have the financial resources to weather an extended nationwide strike,” Hostess Chief Executive Gregory F. Rayburn said in a statement Friday, just after he had tripled his salary to $2.55 million while the company was preparing to go into bankruptcy.

Even before the public announcement, Black Marketeers knew that scientists had always suspected that Twinkies, along with roaches and Donald Trump, would be able to survive a nuclear holocaust.  They began to identify facilities around the globe which had held Twinkies, sometimes against their will, for scientific research since 1933.  A number of sites were located, among them the Los Alamos Proving Ground, and Chernobyl. An underground market for the prized Twinkies sent prices soaring, even before the product had been presented to the public.

Then, in a surprise move, Hostess announced that the company would most likely be sold to a 10 billion dollar Mexican company run by a billionaire baking family, the Servitjes. Their company, Grupo Bimbo (I am not making this up) ranks as the world’s largest bread maker.

“We purchased Sara Lee last year,” Daniel Servitje Montull, the Head Bimbo, said, “and now, Sara Lee has become a real Bimbo.  We have always believed that Ding Dongs and Bimbo should go together.”  Our ultimate goal is to see a Bimbo slide into every mouth on the planet.”

Which brings us seamlessly to the place where we began. “Apparently it is fairly common for doctors to remove stuck sex objects,” doctor Yao Liqing of  Zhongshan Hospital said: “There have been three similar cases so far this year. In the previous two or three years, we only had one such case. These patients were in deep pain when they arrived at the hospital. People must use sex toys properly and avoid ones that are too big, as they can hurt people.”

If this writer had any class, she would  refrain from making the obvious observation about what would happen if Daniel Servitje’s company purchased a dildo company and called it Bimbo’s Dildos. But she has no class, so screw it.