This is the IRS, where our motto is “We will hold off your death, until you have paid your taxes.”
Uh, hi. Hey, are you aware that I have been on hold for about two hours?
I would ask you what your point was but it wouldn’t matter. How can I help you?
Uh, yeah, OK. So I want to redo my taxes so I pay more.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
I want to redo my taxes so I can pay more.
Sir, if this is a crank call, please be advised that one doesn’t mess with the IRS. Oh god, I just rhymed. Nobody has ever called the IRS with this kind of request.
I, uh, am running for President, and it sort of doesn’t look good for me to have paid so little in taxes.
So you think you underpaid?
No, I just never knew I was supposed to pay taxes. Aren’t taxes just for people who don’t have tax shelters? If you don’t want to pay taxes, just get some tax shelters. Sort of like homelessness. If you don’t want to be homeless, just get a home. I don’t know why this has to be so complicated.
So now you have changed your mind about taxes?
No, I personally haven’t. But as the future President, I’m being told that it doesn’t look good for me to have paid very little in taxes.
How much did you make last year?
Sir, we are the IRS. Nothing is personal where we are concerned. We have the authority to do an anal cavity check on you, if we believe you are hiding money from us.
But I don’t really know.
I can’t hear you sir. You are whispering.
I really don’t know the exact amount. There are a lot of zeroes. There. I said it. Just put a lot of zeroes after some number. Go until you run to the end of the page. That should put you in the ballpark.
Sir, as an employee of the Internal Revenue Service, I must tell you I am deeply concerned at your flaunting of our country’s tax code. And, as a person with an income of $23,000 and an IQ that is clearly higher than yours, I am appalled.
It’s impressive, isn’t it? That someone like me can potentially be the President of the US of A. What a great country, right? Right? Hello? Hello? Are you there? Damn. I think I was disconnected. Gotta work on that when I’m President. Hello?