I never thought I’d be writing a post about toilet paper. On the other hand, I also never thought I would have written posts about things spewing out of my nose, zombie pustules from outer space, and placentas. But when my palm is being greased (in a manner of speaking), I suppose I’ll write about anything.
The perks of being a blogger have thus far been limited to monetary compensation to the tune of about 10 cents per week, so when an unusually large carton was delivered to my front door, I never suspected that it would have contained anything having to do with my literary skills.
Inside was a six-pack of Cottonelle Ultra, combined with Flushable Moist Wipes. I wondered who I knew who might be giving me a hint about my lack of correct posterior hygiene. Then I read a flyer included in the box. The two products combined constitutes Cottonelle’s new “Comfort Care” system. To celebrate the launch of said Comfort Care system, Cottonelle is also having a contest to “Name the Clean Routine.” Entries can be made on vibrantnation.com and on facebook.com/Cottonelle.
I went to Facebook.com/Cottonelle. I saw that there were 167,322 likes and that 691 are talking about the Comfort Care system, which on second thought, sounds more like an end-of-life program offered in elite nursing homes. What, exactly, are those 691 people talking about? I looked at the list of contest entries. These people were as clever as the person who posts photos of their cereal bowl each morning. I left the site without raising the numbers to 167,323 and 692.
Listen, I like toilet paper as much as the next person. And I have my standards. I would prefer not to use newspaper. And, having been in some bathrooms that offered toilet paper that still had tree limbs embedded in it, I’m also a fan of soft toilet paper. That’s pretty much where my thoughts about toilet paper end.
But it’s certainly not where my thoughts about poop end. First, there’s that Special Party Time in the bathroom prior to having a colonoscopy. Then, there is all that stuff around public bathrooms. Have you ever walked into a bathroom in which the toilet isn’t flushed and you assume it’s broken, except either before or after you go, you find out that there is nothing wrong with the flusher? What impels someone to leave a stall or bathroom without flushing the toilet? And why is there sometimes toilet paper on the floor? What’s that about?
And have you ever thought about that stall handle that you have to use before you wash your hands at the sink?
And have you ever watched people’s legs under the stall door, as you stand in line awaiting your turn? Sometimes their legs make no sense. They are facing the wrong direction, or there is only one leg showing, things like that.
And why are some women in the stall long enough to give birth and then potty train the child?
And why are some toilet seats wet?
These are all the things I thought about. Then, against my will, I thought about entering the contest with Hand Job. Or Wipe Out. Or No Ifs, Ands, or Butts. Then I came to my senses and stopped.
But seriously, how about Smart Ass?