My Uterus, Myself

Posted on August 26, 2012


Todd Akin, when he isn’t advocating for an audit of the Federal Reserve System, has become a spokesperson for a return to medieval notions of women and fertility.  It’s time to look at the belief system from which he obtains his knowledge about women’s bodies. And what better way to do this than to go directly to the source of all the misinformation: Ms Uterus.

Life in the Boomer Lane: Are you aware of what Todd Akin said?

Ms Uterus: I might not have ears but I’m not deaf.

L: So what’s all the confusion about?

MU: Easy. Men, bless their little hearts, can walk around with their manhood dangling in the breeze for all the world to see. It’s efficient, sure, but don’t you think it’s a little bit crude?  Female anatomy is hidden. Makes them uncomfortable. What you can’t see is up to no good, that kind of thing.

L: Hold on, here.  You mean the uterus was held responsible for bad things happening to people?

MU: You betcha.  If this were the 13th century, we would have been responsible for the banking collapse.

L: How did the uterus do bad things?

MU: Think of us like a mosquito bearing West Nile virus, able to travel at will, and to wreak havoc on wherever we might next land.  Whichever part of the body we settled in, then had medical problems.

L: That sounds crazy.

MU: Those were crazy times, man: Bloodletting, cat persecution, itchy clothing. You name it, we had it.

L: Cat persecution?

MU: Yeah, cats.  Their fuck-you attitude went against the biblical dictate that man had dominion over the animals.  So the pussy was persecuted.  Damn, I think I just made a pun, here. I’m good, aren’t I.

L: So where did all the stuff come in about orgasm and pregnancy?

MU: Oh yeah, that. OK, listen up here.  Since the uterus was always thought to be travelling, women could only get pregnant when it stayed put. I guess an orgasm got tied to that notion. So, no orgasm, no insemination. And, since orgasm is pleasurable, if a woman became pregnant, she must have experienced orgasm, and therefore could not have been the victim of an “absolute rape”.

L: That’s a bit of convoluted thinking.

MU:Yeah. Medieval times, man.

L: So how does all this tie in with Todd Akin?

MU: Oh, him.  Beats me.  Maybe he was too busy chasing tail in high school to pay attention to the actual body that contained the tail. Or maybe he missed the big “This is where babies come from” talk.  Or maybe he’s just not that bright.  Is that possible? That a US Congressman would be intellectually challenged?

L: I don’t think we should get into that now.  So what you are saying is that this incorrect way of thinking has been around for eons.

MU: Exactly.  Plato even talked about it, and he is supposed to be a smart dude. And no matter how many times people explain the truth, other people still believe that crap.  Someone should ask Akin if the world is round or flat.  On second thought, don’t bother.

L: So what you are saying is that we have made no progress since the 13th century? Or ancient Greece?

MU: Not entirely true: Hanky Pankys. Tampons. Birth control. All good things, man.

L: So we have made some progress, but not entirely.

MU: Exactly.  Hey, what’s up with cat persecution? Any progress there?