It’s tough to know which is of more concern at the moment, the fact that at least two elected officials have no knowledge of a woman’s anatomy, or that Mattel has created Drag Queen Barbie.
Rep Todd Akin, a Republican Senator from Missouri, in a statement that set knowledge of human reproduction back about 50,000 years, said, “From what I understand from doctors (pregnancy from rape) is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
When asked to define “that whole thing,” Akin became very quiet for a while and then replied, “You know, that thing, that thing that happens when a Mommy and Daddy love each other and their love is so big that it creates a baby. How can that happen if the Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other? It can’t. It makes no sense.”
American Family Association spokesman Bryan Fischer, agrees with Akin and defended him on his radio show. The right-wing host claimed that Akin is correct and went even farther than the Missouri Republican to explain:
“What Todd Akin is talking about is when you’ve got a real, genuine rape. A case of forcible rape, a case of assault, where a woman has been violated against her will through the use of physical force where it is physically traumatic for her, under those circumstances, the woman’s body — because of the trauma that has been inflicted on her — it may interfere with the normal function processes of her body that lead to conception and pregnancy.”
In further explanation, Fischer said, “Take my wife, for example. She says women have magic powers and that they can get pregnant or not, depending on what they want. I believe her because we have several children, and I haven’t put my wee wee into her hoo hah since the day we got married.”
Mike Huckabee, in another statement of solidarity, has also chimed in on Akin’s behalf, claiming that forcible rapes have created “extraordinary” people. “I know it happens,” Huckabee stated. “And yet even from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, those people are able to do extraordinary things.”
When asked to elaborate, Huckabee explained, “Look, we all know about Jesus, right? Well, Joseph and Mary weren’t married, and Mary was a good girl, so it’s clear to me that Joseph must have forced Mary to do it, right? But look what resulted: Jesus! Which is like the greatest thing that ever happened to every single person on the planet!”
When reminded that Jesus was the son of God and not of Joseph, Huckabee backtracked. “Right,” he said. “Yikes, I totally forgot. God can make people pregnant. That’s what my wife must always mean when she says I’m expendable.”
Akin, Fischer and Huckabee are now collaborating on a sex manual for young people.
Akin explained: “We get together a lot, like every day, to talk about sex and stuff like that. So we thought, hey, why not give everyone the benefit of what we know? Like if you have sex during a full moon, you will definitely get pregnant. And if you raise your arms over your head when you are pregnant, the umbilical cord will wrap around the baby’s neck.”
“Don’t forget about the short skirt thing,” Huckabee reminded him.
“Right, the short skirt thing. No short skirts. Ever. You are really asking for it, then. A man can do whatever he wants to you and you are a slut and you deserve it.”
“What if you wear a short skirt when you are already pregnant?”
“I think the baby can fall out, but I’m not sure. We still have some hands on research to do on that one.”
mimijk
August 22, 2012
I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad…
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
I want to take all of these people, put them into a big spaceship and send them back to whatever planet they came from. They did come from another planet, right? This is a big cosmic joke on us, right?
mimijk
August 22, 2012
Oh man, I would help you stuff them onto the spaceship..Though arguably they’re a hell of an example of our species – should there be any other life out there in the universe.
speaker7
August 22, 2012
I think every bit of me was laughing even my rape-expunging parts. This is so very good, much better than extraordinary people produced by illegitimate rape.
This passage alone produced tears in my eyes and hoo-hah: “You know, that thing, that thing that happens when a Mommy and Daddy love each other and their love is so big that it creates a baby. How can that happen if the Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other? It can’t. It makes no sense.”
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Thanks, 7. My choice was to either write it that way or go into a full-tilt-boogie tirade, in which my brain would have exploded and my impending trip to Turkey would have thus been ruined.
Paul
August 22, 2012
One of your BEST – Pondering whether this will be part of the Republican’s Platform – I am guessing these Fools will compete with Dr. Ruth (AAH! what a find debate that would be)
Fellow Idol watcher
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
I would honestly believe anything at this point, regarding the Republican platform. I’m ashamed to have been an independant for so many years.
Magnolia Beginnings
August 22, 2012
The scariest thing is that I was actually becoming more and more horrified before I realized it was a joke because it is totally possible that these idiots could say some of those things. Very funny but sad too.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
The scariest thing for me is that this “medical” swill has been around for decades. Every few years, like clockwork, it resurfaces, spilling out of the mouths of yet another crop of politicians and media nutballs who use it to espouse their right-to-life mentality. These people are beneath contempt.
Angeline M
August 22, 2012
I just wonder which doctor explained to Aiken about the woman’s body closing that thing down. Aiken’s daddy didn’t have THE talk with him when he was a kid.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Apparantly not.
lexy3587
August 22, 2012
hilarious, though it can be wished that more of it was straight from your imagination, and not actual quote. *sigh*… while she’s at it (being raped)… couldn’t the woman just use this mysterious internal defense system to, you know… chop ‘it’ off? Seems to me that would solve a lot of those cases of ‘was she really raped’… does he still have ‘it’? no? it was rape. but no worries, she’s definitely not pregnant, so no abortion talk necessary.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
You bring up a good point, Lexy. I’d also like it if, while she was being raped, she could use her powers of telepathy to enter the bodies of these men with all these medical opinions, so they could experience exactly the same thing she is.
Claire
August 22, 2012
I only know about the rape comment second hand as I rarely watch the news and I am not sure it was a very big over here in Australia anyway so I missed it, but I think the whole thing is incredibly funny and sad at the same time.
I am amazed at the stupidity of some people, no matter what country they live in,
who want to get into positions of power (and that statement creates pictures in my mind re: sex) and claim to represent their constituents. Do they have to pass an idiot test or something?
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
In some/many cases, politicians here have passed an idiot test, meaning they qualify as idiots.
Annie
August 22, 2012
This is just backwoods sick..
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Ah, yeah.
Marla Miller
August 22, 2012
well written-found this through Facebook-I’m a fan now!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Thanks, Marla. Where did you find it on facebook?
omawarisan
August 22, 2012
Ahhhh, our Taliban in action.
I think old Todd has been getting shut down for at least as long as he’s been working that combover.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
But now, everyone knows who he is. If he loses the election, he can always have his own reality show.
KM Huber
August 22, 2012
While yours is not “A Modest Proposal”– only in that you propose nothing but rather reveal everything–yours is an insightful expose of the always in print text entitled Rape Myths we Have Loathed and other Tails. I suspect you and Jonathan Swift enjoy conversation from time to time.
Well done, Renée.
Karen
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Wow, Karen, many thanks. You’ve placed me in some exhalted company.
Sandra Parsons
August 22, 2012
What a sad thought that this guy has actually been voted into an office by people who must believe him fit to represent him. Either he is a very deceptive person or his voters are very stupid. Probably both.
Commendation for the title by the way, I love me a good pun!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Thanks, Sandra. Don’t you think this kind of sh-t went on shortly before the demise of the Roman Empire?
Kathryn McCullough
August 22, 2012
I swear to God, the first sentence in this post is one of the most brilliantly funny things I’ve read in ages–and so sad, as well.
Hugs,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
Thanks, Kathy, and so sad that these “people” are providing such material for us.
Carl D'Agostino
August 22, 2012
My Republican party is so full of nut cases it is embarrassing. Barry Goldwater would be astonished and disgusted.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 22, 2012
I’ve actually thought that about Goldwater.
ladye
August 22, 2012
I’m sure morons like this exist in Canada, too. Maybe they don’t talk as loud or so much :).
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
If so then they aren’t quite the level of moron that extsts here.
Snoring Dog Studio
August 22, 2012
Incredibly hilarious! I so desperately needed to laugh over this Akin thing and you were just the right prescription, Renee. OMG. You are a scream! I am posting this on Facebook, girl!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Wow, I’m honored. But it’s a shame, isn’t it, that these beneath-contempt types keep providing us with material.
Snoring Dog Studio
August 23, 2012
Yeah, it is, isn’t it? But it’s also important to call them out!
Johanna can Zanten
August 22, 2012
IMG! Funny post, and sad state of political affairs. Yes, we have morons in Canada as well.
Johanna van Zanten
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
As many and as vocal?
Jeanne Heuer
August 22, 2012
True, all true. (I’m going to go scream now)
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Scream for me, as well. My humor is the only thing that keeps me from raging.
Rapunzel
August 22, 2012
OMG!!!! Unfortunate how many people think like this!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
And that is truly scary. These people are the tip of the iceberg.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
August 23, 2012
Cosmopolitan needs to abandon its “73 Ways to Please Him” format and print a “One (1) Way To Get Pregnant” piece (perhaps with a sperm/egg infographic?). These bozos don’t read Cosmo, but I’ll betcha their staffers do….
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
I love this! These guys need a simple format: large, colorful illustrations, no pesky words to read, and, when they pass the test, they can get stickers to wear that say “Ask me how babies are made!”
Betty Londergan
August 23, 2012
It was totally bizarre to have all the comments (real and … hmmm unreal) and not really know what some stupid chump had said, and what you in your beautiful sarcasm had made up. I love this post!!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Thanks, Betty. These people are so out there that what they actually say is as bizarre as anything I can make up.
Magnolia Beginnings
August 23, 2012
I’ve nominated you for The Booker Award. Part of the award requires you listing your 5 favorite books and I’m really interested in seeing what they are. Thanks for writing.
http://magnoliabeginnings.org/
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Thanks, I’m really honored. For several reasons, I don’t participate in awards. But, because I am alwayd thrilled to talk about books, I will do so this week!
Magnolia Beginnings
August 24, 2012
This one was actually a lot of fun. Thanks for playing.
Deborah the Closet Monster
August 23, 2012
I love you for being able to make me laugh instead of (just) scream at this whole thing.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Thanks, Deborah. Yes, writing this keeps me from going off the deep end, as well.
larousse7
August 23, 2012
You have perhaps not quite restored my faith in humanity, but at least my capability to laugh at it. Thankyou. 😀
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Ah, what a superb compliment. I thank you, and thanks for visiting my alternate universe.
goodoldgirl
August 23, 2012
LOL! From another planet, probably not. From under a rock, yep.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 23, 2012
Agreed.
merrilymarylee
August 23, 2012
I am thinking that the Repugs need to add a gynecologist to the list of speakers at their convention. A woman would be best, but she’d probably consider it a hopeless waste of time.
Valentine Logar
August 23, 2012
That these people continue to exist and procreate amazes me. The level of ignorance is astounding. thank you for making me laugh despite my desire to hunt all these Azzhats down and plant my cowboy boots in their non-swimmer producing wees.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 24, 2012
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Emily Cannell
August 24, 2012
It makes me think to the reason why women weren`t allowed to run the marathon in the Olympics until fairly recently- vaginas might fall out. Wouldn`t that create a stir. No lie.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 24, 2012
Oh, my. I wish I had used that line in my post.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
August 24, 2012
Emily, you could be right. When I was about 32, I confided to my young, handsome, community-leader, Yale-grad doctor that I was training for a 10K. He shook his head sadly and told me that in Haiti a woman runner’s uterus had fallen out RIGHT ON THE STREET!!!! Okay, he was a cardiologist, but still…..
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 24, 2012
ohdeargod, if I still had a uterus, it would be laughing right now.
theRipeProject
August 24, 2012
Oh, boy. Thanks for this.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 24, 2012
Oh, girl, you are welcome.