The following is an interview with Susan, the heroine of the Sex and the Sixty (Year Old) series. Contrary to the title of the post, Susan is not the actual oldest living single. She has just had a lot of dates. In fact, if you could stretch out all of her dates end-to-end, they would reach back to the Civil War, specifically to the second Battle of Bull Run.
How old were you when you realized you were single?
I’m single? No way … I buy all my groceries in multi-pack or duos so I must have another half somewhere.
Would you characterize your dating experiences as more like 50 Shades of Grey or The Hunger Games?
50 Shades of Hunger
Exactly how many men have you dated?
How many men are there in the universe? Take that number and multiply by 4. If I went out with them twice, can we double it?
How many ounces of coffee have you consumed while meeting men?
723 regular coffees, 58 caramel macchiatos, 67 waters (with those who were too cheap to buy me coffee) and 3 bagels when I was playing “bagel hooker”.
Who sells the best coffee?
Giant. Then I can stay home and drink it.
Why do you think men are attracted to your online profile?
Maybe because I have in my profile that I give good “phone.”
What was the worst date you have ever had?
Hard to pick from the hundreds but I guess it would be the Velvetta-cheese-in-his-pocket man.
You have been besieged by 20-year-olds online. Why do 20 year olds want to date 60 year olds?
Because we are rich, wrinkled and don’t complain when they get up after 5 hours straight of hot sex and go home. Plus, we’ll never lie to them.
How long should a woman date a guy before she shtupps him?
About 5 minutes … maybe shorter if he’s got a bulge in his pants.
Have you ever dated anyone who looked like a celeb (Brad Pitt/ George Clooney/ Freddie Krueger)?
No, but I did shtup someone who shtupped someone who was a distant cousin of George Hamilton’s.
What famous person, alive or dead, would you like to date?
Can I date them while they are still dead? I’d say Imelda Marcos because I’d like to borrow her shoes.
You have a parking fairy. Do you want to explain that to the readers?
I have a parking fairy ONLY when I’m not having sex. As I’m getting older, I am realizing that parking fairies are much more important than sex … especially when it’s snowing or raining outside.
What is the most important thing for a woman to know when using online dating profiles?
That most men lie — about their height, age, amount of hair and teeth.
How can a single person guarantee success when using online dating sites?
I think you should answer that because obviously YOU were successful and I haven’t been.
Which is worse, a first date or being audited by the IRS?
Sometimes it’s the same thing if you date an IRS auditor.
Have you thought of writing a book?
Yes, and I’ve also thought about bungee jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge and joining an ashram in India … so far the Brooklyn Bridge is winning.
Have you ever dated the same man twice because you forgot that you already went out with him?
I’m like an elephant. I NEVER FORGET …