Tom Cruise Has Nothing to Do With This

Posted on July 20, 2012

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An astute friend, who we will call “Ana,” in homage to Speaker7’s series of brilliant takeoffs on the 50 Shades of Grey books, has alerted me to the imminent resolution of all of our problems. In case you have been fretting about climate change, being upside down on your mortgage, or running out of new people to date, you can take a break. There will also be no need to worry about Wall Street and Congress joining forces to suck the life out of you or discovering that you have become allergic to both gluten and non-gluten food products.

Our salvation comes in the form of The Galactic Federation of Light.  I was surprised I hadn’t already heard of them, since it’s been around for 4.5 million years, which makes them older than my current bras.  After deep and penetrating research into this group (If this were, indeed, one of Speaker7’s posts, Ana ((the real Ana)) would now be shucking and jiving in her nether regions at the sight of the words “deep and penetrating”). I have no idea who they are or what they want .  But I do know that the GFL has nothing to do with the Scientology Thetans, and so you don’t have to worry about Tom Cruise sticking his nose into your business. Unlike Tom Cruise, the Galactic Federation are our friends. 

“Ana’s” neighbor (who is an esteemed member of the Federation) said her work over the last few months will qualify her for an advisory/liaison position with the new leaders….she mentioned that everyone who has been good will not need to worry because the Federation is going to save the earth.  There will be a lot of arrests around the world, presumably of those who oppose the Federation.  I, personally, am dealing with a bee’s nest under my front porch, and so I am on record as saying that I support the GFL.  I don’t need more than one problem at a time.

I spent the better part of the consumption of a banana, perusing the website. Aside from some really cool names like SaLuSa (from Sirius) and SanJAsKa (of the Pleiadin Council of Nine), it all seemed like the usual: We are Visitors to Earth blah blah blah. We will take over blah blah blah. All bad people will perish blah blah blah but we won’t tell you what “bad” means so there is nothing you can do to save yourself blah blah blah except to join us. We want to:

1. Forgive all credit card, mortgage, and other bank debt (hand raised, here, in solidarity)

2. Abolish income tax (hoping this can be retroactive to 1973)

3. Abolish the IRS (hand raised, although not high, in case the IRS lackeys are watching)

4. Increase benefits to senior citizens (If I had a lot of hands, I’d raise them all)

5. Other stuff blah blah blah

After I had already spent banana time on research, I thought to ask “Ana” if her neighbor was crazy.  She said she thought not, because after her neighbor finished talking about the Federation, she bummed a cigarette.

This morning, an email arrived from “Ana,” complete with a video, from the GFL.  The piece starts with the following:

Under cover of ‘training exercises’, U.S. Military troops have been witnessed and videotaped moving into many US cities including St. Louise, Missouri, Miami, Florida, Denver Colorado, Crookstan, Minnesota, and Bangor, Maine, often conducting ‘residential’ training exercises in preparation for the mass arrests of the members of the criminal cabal. (It is interesting to note that Maine possesses no military bases whatsoever, but what Maine does boast is the palatial family compound of the Bush family.)

It goes on. And on. The video is worth watching, especially if you are, at the same time, purging in preparation for a colonoscopy appointment.

Thanks to the loyal GFL member who spent a lot of time videotaping a large military vehicle doing very suspicious things like being in the Wal-Mart parking lot and then having what might amount to non-consensual sex with other military vehicles, we now know that military soldiers (as opposed to other types of soldiers) drive in army vehicles, wear uniforms, and buy water from the Wal-Mart. They also do fake training maneuvers, because it’s obvious that what is really going on are preparations for an alien infiltration.

Back to the video. The last segment shows Russian soldiers yelling things like “Death to America!” and burning a US flag.  The narration didn’t imply that these were actual aliens, but I’m pretty sure they were. I think one of them had a water bottle in his hand, and if so, he clearly got it from a US soldier. Also, the Russian accents sounded sort of fake. So it all makes perfect sense.

I’m thinking of not paying my taxes next year in solidarity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toXP6ThGMn0&feature=player_detailpage