On Wednesday I posted about my memorable phone dalliance with Carl, the Ahh Bra salesman. When I completed that post, I thought the subject was put to bed (in a manner of speaking).
Lo and behold, I had totally forgotten that July 6 was National Braless Day, in which various celebs got to flaunt their unfettered breasts. Had the celebs been Dame Judith Dench or Meryl Streep or Hillary Clinton, I might have paid attention. But, since they were people like Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and Janet Jackson, I didn’t take it all that seriously.
So I put aside the thought of writing a post on national Braless Day and decided instead to brush up on the latest developments in the Higgs boson, a hypothetical massive scalar elementary particle predicted to exist by the Standard Model of particle physics.
While considering whether to watch the Higgs boson cartoon with the little M&M with a H on it or to watch the one starring Homer Simpson, the Universe reached out its big hairy arm, unceremoniously grabbed me and pulled me away from the computer screen toward my destiny. Clearly, the Universe believed I had more boob material to share with the world (in a manner of speaking).
I had a phone call, was forced to leave my cartoon pondering and head to the office. My destiny awaited in the form of Nick, a fellow realtor and husband of a minister. Nick knows who to seek out for spiritual guidance in his life, and he knows who to do boob talk with. Thanks to Nick, I now know that the woman with the largest natural breasts in the country (or maybe the planet) is living in Arlington, VA. It was enough to make me forget about my usual trip to the candy dish, outside the manager’s office.
Here’s what I found out: Annie Hawkins-Turner, also known in the world of fetish modeling by her stage name Norma Stitz, recently moved to Arlington from Atlanta, Georgia. Hawkins-Turner has a rare condition called gigantomastia. She says she’s used to attracting attention where ever she goes. She is well-adjusted and happy with her body. She has never considered a breast reduction.
Arlnow.com, dedicated to all things happening in the closest suburb of our nation’s great capital, provided a handy video on our latest celeb resident. From the video, I learned the following:
Hawkins-Turner wears a size 102ZZZ bra. At first glance, this may look like 102 has fallen asleep. At second glance, there is no second glance. There is second stare. For a long time. 102ZZZ messes with my head even more than the thought of the Higgs boson. I need a Homer Simpson cartoon to explain this bra size to me.
Hawkins-Turner’s breasts weigh 85 lbs. This is really discouraging to me because I tell myself that my own breasts have added 20lbs to my weight. There is no other way to explain why I weigh 20 lbs more than I used to. But unless Hawkins-Turner is lying about the weight of her breasts, and they really weigh 200 lbs, I think I may be overestimating the weight of mine.
Hawkins-Turners’ breasts weigh as much as two four-year olds. This was in the video, not created by my brain. I’m not sure why someone would equate large breasts with four-year olds, but now I imagine that if Hawkins-Turner would take her shirt off, we would see two four-year olds attached to her chest instead of breasts.
People look at her and say, “Wow, that’s amazing!” This was also in the video, just in case you might have thought that the sight of Hawkins-Turner’s breasts would elicit, “Wow, have you heard the latest about the Higgs boson?”
Hawkins-Turner is a fantasy model. This, she explains, is not a nude model. Nor does it mean she has sex. She simply poses wearing regular clothes, and, in her case, this is quite adequate.
Hawkins-Turner is happy in her, uh, skin. “No one looks like me,” she said. “I’m one in a million.” Actually, she’s more like one in a billion. Or a trillion. Or a room filled with Higgs boson particles.
WSW
July 12, 2012
I am speechless. The AHH BRA has met its match.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I think every bra has met its match.
Melanie
July 12, 2012
!!!! & !
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
Exactly.
Lunar Euphoria
July 12, 2012
It hurts my brain to think about it.
ryoko861
July 12, 2012
Yeah, really! True!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
And other body parts.
ryoko861
July 12, 2012
That CAN’T be comfortable! I mean how the hell do you sleep with those in the way!? I get uncomfortable with my 38’s. Can’t imagine 102’s! Is she a Guinness record holder by any chance?
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I think she is.
ryoko861
July 14, 2012
Gives whole new meaning to “getting a mamogram”.
Audubon Ron
July 12, 2012
Okay, now I’m sick as I can be. What in THE world???
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
Uh huh.
chlost
July 12, 2012
Whew! She must be exhausted carrying that extra 170 pounds around on her chest.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
Agreed.
bobg
July 13, 2012
She has a very pretty smile.
Brenda
July 13, 2012
Oy, vey! I also say that my breast have added an extra 20 lbs. to my weight. The breasts are the last place I lose weight at. How can she stand up straight?
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I have that same problem. No weight loss there. Ever.
mimijk
July 13, 2012
Remember the expression “over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder”? There is no way she can wear anything other than that. Poor woman, I bet she hasn’t seen her toes since puberty.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I had forgotten that expression. She has to maneuver them out of the way just to get her shoes on.
k8edid
July 13, 2012
I believe her first initial is E.
As in “E. Norma Stitz”
I would have to have a wheel barrow to cart those babies around…
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
Oh, good one!
speaker7
July 13, 2012
How does she not fall over? I would need a wheel barrel or a shopping cart or something to rest them on.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I wondered the same thing. And tying shoes would be out of the question.
John
July 13, 2012
I thought 102ZZZ was a soft rock station.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
Funny guy. But now you know better.
K.L.Richardson
July 13, 2012
I have constant back problems due to my DDD’s so I can’t even wrap my mind around this…but apparently she has found a way to turn it to her advantage-more power to her.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I woner about that also. How would she not have terrible pain?
Lisa Wields Words
July 13, 2012
I’m impressed that she is comfortable in her body. I have always been self-conscious about my breasts, and now deal with back problems as well, so to see a woman who can live joyously with that much va-va-voom is wonderful! But it still makes me go, OUCH!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
I know. But, seriously, how does she not have terrible shoulder pain?
Lisa Wields Words
July 14, 2012
I would think she had shoulder, lower back and even leg pain from hefting that weight when she stands up.
Patricia
July 13, 2012
I will no longer dream of cleavage…
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 13, 2012
Actually, this goes way beyond cleavage.
Sandra Parsons
July 14, 2012
Gee, and here I am complaining about the pregnancy boosting me from a B to a D cup! I think I need to be just before the due date before my bump will actually stick out more than my boobs. However, I shall try to embrace my comparatively tiny wobblies. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 15, 2012
It took forever in my pregnancies before I looked pregnant, rather than a moon-faced, giant-breasted woman.
Fragrant Liar
July 15, 2012
I weigh ten pounds more than that chick’s boobs. Wow. I am stunned. That photo looks Photo-shopped. Is it really real? Wow. I can’t imagine NOT getting a boob reduction because of the back-breaking job of carrying those two joybags around all day. And how does she even sleep? Geez. I can see small children and pets getting lost in her cleavage. Or a skinny man. But hey, more power to her for being happy with her body. It’s more than most of us can say.
And I totally missed going braless on the braless day. I would have enjoyed the attention. Or probably lack of it . . .
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 16, 2012
Your comments give me a lot to think about, most of which I don’t want to think about.
Betty Londergan
July 15, 2012
I am speechless.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 16, 2012
Ditto.
Main Street Musings Blog
July 16, 2012
I think a series on the Higgs “Bosom” is in order.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 16, 2012
That is hilarious. I hate when commenters use lines that I never thought of. Damn.
Jeanne Heuer
July 19, 2012
There is absolutely no bra made that can support that weight. Just imagine trying to get up out of a chair. Maybe she has two 4 yr olds helping her carry them around.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 20, 2012
Oh, the thought.