Most of us passed through early middle age in a blur of child rearing and/or attention to our professional goals. We could have been forgiven for not paying much attention to the aging process. And, unless we were unfortunate enough to go through the dissolution of a marriage and subsequent entry into the world of dating, we might not have been aware that when we dug out the dainty unmentionables that had been a mainstay of our early dating years, they looked like Barbie underthings.
Suddenly, somewhere around the threshold of fifty, we might have made an alarming discovery about ourselves: We were no longer young. And many of us then began a fruitless search for something that doesn’t exist.
Here’s the truth: No lotions, no matter how expensive, can restore youth. No surgery, no matter how adept the scalpel is in the hands of the surgeon, can restore skin resiliency or lost collagen. No trips to the gym can give back the muscle tone we had when we were in our twenties. No diet can give us back the body we once had. And no mirror can ever reflect back to us the face that, long ago, might have launched a thousand ships but is now barely hanging onto the dinghy.
What’s a girl to do? We can start by acknowledging that moisturizing and exercising and dieting will have a positive effect on our well-being. And then we can move forward. Here are some fundamental truths to aging:
The worst offenders are us. Society isn’t fretting nearly as much about us as we fret about ourselves. Society has more important things to do, most of them involving making stupid choices. Back when foot binding was in fashion, it was mothers who bound daughters’ feet. Women perpetuated their own disfigurement. In societies that still practice female genital mutilation, it’s women who are in charge. In villages where women have said “Enough,” the practice has stopped. We have always had far more power than we believed.
Let’s stop the self-judgment. If we choose to have cosmetic surgery, we can. If we choose to moisturize we can. If we choose to go to the gym we can. We can color our hair (or not), have manicures and pedicures (or not), use make up (or not). We can do anything we please, as long as it juices us, invigorates us, calms us, and nurtures us. And we have to do it for ourselves and not because we believe society requires us to do so. Let’s stop judging other women who choose to do whatever they do. Let’s just give ourselves and them a big break.
Let’s remember that our daughters and our granddaughters will carry the imprint of who we are. How do we want them to go forward? With all due respect to teens travelling in packs of rigid sameness and to celebs who set the same degree of rigid rules for what is in fashion, the women our daughters and granddaughters will become will ultimately be closer to our belief system about ourselves than any influence friends and the media have on them.
Let’s redefine beauty, not for society but for ourselves. Here’s the big secret about beauty that no one talks about: We create it. Beyond the ideal of symmetry of faces and bodies, the sexiest and most beautiful characteristic any human has is their self-image. Ask a man who is the most (OK, second most) attractive woman in the room and chances are he will choose the woman who feels the most positive about herself. It’s been said that Bette Davis, who played the gorgeous femme fatale in many films, was not a conventionally beautiful woman. But she had such confidence in her ability to project herself as beautiful, that anyone watching her on screen believed she was beautiful.
Let’s stop trying to be someone else. Let’s flaunt our age for all to see (Yes, I used the word “flaunt.”) Being told that we look younger than our age isn’t a compliment. It’s a way of saying that who we are isn’t good enough. How will the world ever know that a 50-year-old woman is sexy and beautiful and vibrant if that 50-year-old woman is trying to disguise herself as a 40-year-old woman? Try this: The next time someone tells you that you look 10 years younger than your age, don’t thank them. Instead, use the Gloria Steinem response: Respond with “Well, I’m really XX and this is what XX looks like.” Stop telling other women that they look good for their age or that they look 10 years younger than they really are. If you think a woman is fabulous looking, just tell her she is fabulous looking. Period.
Let’s make other things more important. This sorry planet needs us, big time. Women are the #1 underutilized resource in the world, and women at midlife and beyond have the time, the energy, the vision, and the perspective to make a difference in people’s lives. Every single time we deny who we are, every single time we fret and complain about what is natural and normal, and every single time we allow anybody other than us to define who we are, we diminish ourselves and we do a disservice to our daughters and our granddaughters. It’s time to take a stand for them and for us.
Marion Driessen
June 1, 2012
Triple BRAVO, Renee!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks, Marion.
Magnolia Beginnings
June 1, 2012
Excellent! Thank you!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks, and you are welcome.
Kathryn McCullough
June 1, 2012
Things really do seem to change beginning around the age of 50. Turned that age a couple of months ago, and I really do feel like I’ve gone to hell in a hand basket. Yeah, yeah, I know it probably gets worse, but I want to know if I will ever adjust. Or is that the point of this series, perhaps–that we will never fully accept what aging does to us, unless we make an active effort to do so–to change our thinking more than we worry about our changing bodies? Another great post, Renee. Have a wonderful weekend, my friend!
Hugs,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Bingo, Kathy, that’s the point. And life does keep getting better and better–no joke. I wish we lived closer. Oh the things we could talk about….
pegoleg
June 2, 2012
Piggy-backing on what Kathy said, the physical changes are a real shock to the system and menopause is a kick in the teeth. No matter that these changes are gradual, it does seem, as you said, Renee, that there is a very real, very startling moment of discovery around 50 (52 for me) – that you will never have the 20-year-old body back.
Learning to embrace and embolden and empower and all the other “em” words, but sometimes a girl needs a little while to get over it.
Great culmination to a great series of posts!
iampeterstorey
June 1, 2012
Inspiring.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks, and thanks for reading.
Emily Cannell
June 1, 2012
So well said and a great series.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks, Emily.
Betty Londergan
June 1, 2012
I love you, Renee!! What a rousing and inspiring and perceptive post!!!
I am 58 and I feel good about my age and myself because I’m doing something that I really love and that really matters to me. You are TOTALLY right about the beauty thing — as I’ve been taking photos around the world of women of all ages, I can SEE the beauty of women shining through … and it’s their spirit and strength and joy that makes them beautiful. I also completely love what you said about the world needing us: I honestly believe that WE BOOMER WOMEN, having raised our own children, are meant to now Mother The World. It needs us so much, it’s ridiculous.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
I thought about you as I wrote this, both for how you are spending your life right now and for what the experience is showing you by being around women who have so little in the way of material posessions but who have such rich lives and such strong spirits. And I was actually going to use the word Boomer when I ended the piece, but I didn’t want to be selective. But yes, I love your thought, that Boomer Women, having raised our own children, are meant to now Mother the World. Brilliant.
k8edid
June 1, 2012
“…women at midlife and beyond have the time, the energy, the vision, and the perspective to make a difference in people’s lives..”
We also have the numbers…if we could work together to help change the notion (culturally and personally) of what beauty is and accept our own power – it will happen.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
I feel like digging my armband out of storage and marching. Seriously.
k8edid
June 2, 2012
Don’ you wonder whatever happened to all that passion and justified anger?
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
I’ve thought about it a lot, especially since our country is more and more defined by money, greed, and a sense of entitlement. Surely, there are people in this country who want something different.
CrystalSpins
June 8, 2012
I do.
bestbathroombooks
June 1, 2012
Nice. Well said. The next time you see a little girl with a bow in her hair, don’t tell her she’s pretty! Ask her “What’s your favorite book?”
Snoring Dog Studio
June 2, 2012
I love that idea!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
I LOVE that!
Sylvia Morice
June 1, 2012
I think you look ‘mahvelous’…no matter what age you’re at right now! Great series of posts, Renee. Thought-provoking and so true.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks, Sylvia!
lexy3587
June 1, 2012
Such a fabulous series of posts! Love it!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks, Lexy!
cindyricksgers
June 1, 2012
Wonderful, wonderful!!! It feels like you’ve taken a whole bunch of thoughts and issues that have been rolling around in my mind for a long time, that I couldn’t organize or figure out, and you made sense of them! You have gotten right to the crux of the matter. Perfectly said…thanks so much!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
You are welcome. The same thoughts had been swirling around in my head, and I kept saying to myself, “Stop thinking the same things over and over. Get clear about this. Simplify. Get to the root of the issue.” So writing it helped me organize my own thoughts. I had my own ah-ha moment when I wrote this. That’s one of the joys of writing, don’t you think?
cindyricksgers
June 3, 2012
P.S.: I re-blogged this post, with credit to you. As soon as I get a chance to write my own blog, I’ll elaborate on how to find yours. I just wanted everyone possible to see it. Thank you.
muddledmom
June 1, 2012
Beautiful.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks!
Lynne Spreen
June 1, 2012
I read all three posts right after I watched the documentary, “Missrepresentation.” So I’m pretty fired up, Renee, and thanks for that. Here’s my take: we owe the young ‘uns a better toolkit than the one we were handed. If we feel like whining about getting old and looking it, let’s straighten our spines and try to set an example of power, happiness, and acceptance to our daughters and granddaughters!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Well said, Lynne. We have far more important things to do than to whine and bitch. My daughter and I recently had a conversation based on an article she read about issues of aging toward the end of life. I’m going to read the article, then possible write about what many women our age don’t want to think about: assisted living, living wills, etc. But first I need a break from the serious stuff. Time to get back to the humor for awhile! It’s my therapy.
k8edid
June 2, 2012
When I wrote The Real Housewives of Charlotte County (http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2011/08/20/the-real-housewives-of-charlotte-county/) I was trying to get to the harsh realities of aging and our superficial, celebrities-for-role-model obssession with youth, beauty, and fame. Sorry for the plug here, I try not to do that, but seeing the large population of elderly women here in my community, I cannot help but think about the realities of aging for everyone, but women in particular.
nrhatch
June 1, 2012
Smiles let JOY shine through even the deepest wrinkles. 😀
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Have you noticed that the older you get, the more you need to smile to brighten/lift your face? It is an instant facelift. I think I’ll just walk around grinning all the time.
nrhatch
June 2, 2012
Do that! Leave them wondering what you’ve been up to! 😀
speaker7
June 2, 2012
Renee for Queen of the Universe. Do you mind if I start circulating petitions to get you on the ballot?
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
The world would be a strange place, indeed, if I were Queen of the Universe. But seriously, I have been speaking to many groups of women for years (thousands of women), as a result of our books. We really could make a huge difference in our lives and in the lives of others if we first got clear about our value and our power. I keep thinking about the old Grey Panther movement. We need a movement for women at midlife and beyond. I’d call us The Greys but then we’d be seen as aliens.
Snoring Dog Studio
June 2, 2012
Brilliant words here, peg. Your insights are so on point. Love the mention of Steinem’s response. Yes! I am this age – not that age – stop trying to take years from me for no other reason than you think it will make me feel better. And, yes, let’s not slam the women who partake of some dermatological and other procedures – please respect each other’s motivations and acknowledge the reality of ageism. Support your sisters! You could start a new movement, Peg. You’ve done a world of good with these posts.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 2, 2012
Thanks (even though I’m Renee. But Peg is pretty darn fabulous, also). In theory, that does sound exciting.
Snoring Dog Studio
June 2, 2012
I am so sorry, Renee! Some mornings, the coffee doesn’t kick in fast enough. My compliments still stand and I put a link to this post on Facebook. More women of all ages should read this and heed!
mary i
June 2, 2012
Awesome Post!! All women (men too) Need to read this..
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 3, 2012
Thanks, Mary, and thanks for reading.
Grown and Flown
June 2, 2012
I have a 16 year old daughter and I think now (more than at any other time in her life) about how what I say and do influences her. Thanks for the reminder!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 3, 2012
I think all of us have to be reminded, every now and then, just how much influence we do have on our kids.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
June 2, 2012
A compelling and lovely concept in Judaism is “dor l’dor”, an obligation to pass along wisdom, spirituality, and tradition “from generation to generation.” In the formal sense, this tenet implies religious teaching, but I can’t help placing in this context your wise counsel to pass on healthy ideas of female beauty (and honoring oneself) to our daughters and grandaughters.
You are so right about wanting to enlist all of us to make a stand for positive change in the culture entire. Meanwhile, to give this precious gift to our daughters is to make them — and our progeny for generations — whole, and in a wonderfully immediate way.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 3, 2012
Beautifully said, Sienna.
cindyricksgers
June 2, 2012
Reblogged this on cindyricksgers and commented:
She says this so much better than I possibly could…
bellesogni
June 2, 2012
Truth.
notquiteold
June 2, 2012
Fabulous..
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 4, 2012
This is something we women should be talking about. Loudly.
Go Jules Go
June 4, 2012
Bravo! I’m definitely guilty of passing on the age-related compliments, and you’re right, we should just say someone looks beautiful, period! This post was empowering and the only thing left to say is: YOU ROCK!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 4, 2012
Thanks, Jules. Yes, we women of all ages should change the way we speak about age and aging. It’s so damaging to us.
simonandfinn
June 4, 2012
Wonderful post.
Main Street Musings Blog
June 4, 2012
Well said! A powerful and provocative post!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 4, 2012
Thanks! These thought have been swirling around my head for some time now, and it was the flap about Hillary that made me decide to write about it.
merrilymarylee
June 5, 2012
Nothing to add except Amen.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 6, 2012
Thanks, Marylee!
shoes
June 7, 2012
Oh how I wish I could push the like button on this more than once. Beautiful, wonderful words on a topic that is so very important. Thank you!
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 8, 2012
You are welcome, and thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane!
Stevi McInerney
June 8, 2012
as a boomer i too wondered where all that energy to make a better world went. have we been lulled to sleep? around the world it is women who are actually making the lives of women and children. your words are so true. we need to find the passion to speak up not sit by and wait, thank you for being this strong.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 8, 2012
Thanks, Stevi, and thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. I’ve been so lucky, because of my books, to have had the opportunity to speak to hundreds of women at midlife and beyond. I am always energized and inspired by these women. Giving circles such as Dining for Women and charities like Heifer International have been making a difference around the world. There is so much more to be done. We all must speak up.
Diane Horn
June 28, 2012
Thank you for writing this post. I especially liked the part about the need for us to redefine what beauty is__that it’s not superficial but related to our confidence and vitality. I also love Gloria Steinem’s quote.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 28, 2012
Thanks, Diane, and thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane.
myammynew
October 3, 2017
Well said! Thank you…