Sex and the Sixty (Year Old) Pt 1

Posted on January 16, 2012

60


Welcome to a five-part series of reposts, a veritable cornucopia of past drivel, a best of, a past hits, a test of quantum physics.  If all reality isn’t reality at all, and if everything is happening at the same time with no past, present, or future, then not only isn’t this a repost, the events portrayed are still happening as you read these words. Somewhere. In some quantum physics-created universe. But that’s not my problem. I’m just too busy this week to write a bunch of new posts.

*****

My friend Susan has had such a long, varied and rocky career as a dating single, that I, as one of her closest and dearest friends, listen to her tragic stories, and I, as the caring, compassionate person I am, laugh myself sick.

It’s tough not to.  Susan seems to attract a lot of really interesting and unique men.  So many, in fact, that I’ve decided to divide this saga of her dating life into five parts.  We’ll start with the initial responses she gets from various men on the dating sites.  Note to any men out there who might recognize themselves in any of this: I’m not talking about you.

Some of the “handles” should not be read on an empty stomach:

pistolhead

riding cowboy

katlicker

dixiekraut

pistolpete

swabjock

Now for the actual words:

“I haven’t been with a woman in eight years.”

If someone wrote that to me, I would immediately consult an attorney to find out which criminal offenses would have resulted in an eight year prison term.

“Do ya judge the book by the appearance of the cover, or do ya open the cover to find out if the table of contents captures and peaks your interest enough to read more?”

Actually, I like to scan the index first, then check out the footnotes.  Sometimes, I read the jacket, but other times I flip right to the author’s biography at the end….

This one is from “Looking For Busty”: “I am an older, independent, very safe, straight man in good shape and I like very much the younger woman who is busty, local and in very good shape for extra-curricular activities.”

Hey LFB, there are about 10,000 other guys waiting in line for Busty, also.  It got so bad, she had to go into the Witness protection Program.

“I am looking for one woman, not two or more…”

I’m wondering about a person who has to clarify this.  Has he had negative experiences with trying to find a soul mate, and instead was tricked into having group sex?

“I am a very outgoing person and I always see the glass as half full.  I’ve been told that I have a very humorist personality.”

Ah, I know about this.  It is also called the “Will Rogers Syndrome.”

“I’d like to volunteer this: I look and act a lot younger than I actually am.”

I’d like to volunteer this: 95% of people over the age of 45 would probably write exactly the same thing about themselves.  The other 5% would use capital letters when they wrote the words “a lot.”

A recent poem Susan received had these lines hidden among all the others that professed undying love: “When someone is willing to do without, So your life is complete”

This would stop me in my tracks.  This guy was either Bernie Madoff writing from his North Carolina jail cell or a man looking for someone to donate a kidney.

“Hang out and talk .and size each outher up?????????we could find out about the real thoughts and dreams of the outher person,wishs in life…also being a free sprite and with out family or baggage, i can travel or relocate for the right reasons of course ??…Either Way Welcome Onbroad The “Fish” U Will enjoy and meet some really Great People ???”

I charge this person with Greatest Abuse of Question Marks.

Susan was really excited when I told her I would write columns about her attempts at internet dating.

“You can be my blind author!” she exclaimed.

“I think you meant ‘ghost writer,’” I clarified.

Oh boy, are we going to have fun with this one.