Lindsay Lohan, now shackled to the futon in her rec room, is serving house arrest time for a variety of offenses, including hoarding mini dogs and wearing last week’s sunglasses. In a series of events that have left her admirers continually inebriated awed, she has been able to pretty much continue her usual lifestyle while only having mobility within a 50 foot radius of the futon.
Paparazzi have set up camp in her backyard, mostly lying ontheir stomachs and training their cameras on Lohan’s lower level windows. They have also been able to film Lohan’s mail carrier, the UPS delivery person, and a series of young people carrying petitions for the Nature Conservancy.
iPhone in hand, La Lohan has been shopping on QVC and HSN has been able to continue adding to her wardrobe without hitting the shops of Rodeo Drive. A spokesman for QVC revealed that Lohan has become a real fan of the clothing Line The Quacker Factory and how has a collection of holiday-theme sweaters for all occasions.
(Lindsay’s latest Quacker Factory purchase)
Unfortunately, being shackled to a futon hasn’t prevented Lohan from travel mishaps and moving violations. On three separate occasions, Lohan crashed into her coffee table while maneuvering toward the bathroom. Moderate damage was sustained to the table each time, and unfortunately for Lohan, one event was captured on camera. Lohan is now being sued by the table manufacturer for abuse. Lohan had no comment.
Neither has decreased mobility deterred Lohan from further scandal. On three separate occasions, Lohan was seen negotiating with a Girl Scout cookie salesgirl. Lohan allegedly offered to buy the Scout’s entire supply of Do-si-Dos in exchange for the 10 year old to get Lohan alcohol and drugs. Lohan has denied the charges and the Scout has been unavailable for comment.
But, in a story that has replaced both the rampant political and military volatility across the globe and allegations that Weiner’s weiner has been surgically enhanced, Lohan has scored the ultimate infamous coup: She dissed Matt Lauer.
While details remain sketchy, it has been reported that Lauer, after enduring a cross-country flight in which he was served only a tiny bag of pretzels and then forced to watch “The Revenge of Kitty Galore,” was unceremoniously turned away from Lohan’s door. Two Mormon missionaries, also at the door and equally unsuccessful in communicating with Lohan, were overheard to have said to Lauer, “Don’t worry. It happens. God must have a better plan for you.” A paparazzi recorded the event, and TMZ later aired what looked like Lauer yanking the LDSer’s tie and pushing his bicycle over.
(Lauer’s second failed attempt to gain access to Lohan, this time disguised as Lindsay’s friend LaDonda)
Further details are sure to emerge, regarding both the reason for Lohan having dissed Laurer and the exact number of boxes of Do-Si-Dos that were purchased.